Stuck

I'm stuck. My mind has been on a stand still for months. Writers block I suppose..

RIght Now At 1:36 AM

Sometimes it's so hard to keep your head up when everything around you is pulling it down. Sometimes it's hard to smile and laugh hen you have a millions reasons to frown and cry. Sometimes when someone asks you how you're doing it's hard to say you're okay when you hardly ever are. Every single day is unknown territory. There's nothing to prepare you if you need to read lightly or if you can jump in head first. Even when it's a nice clear sunny day the rain can just hit you like flash flood. But I think the hardest part of everything is actually trying to do all that stuff. Actually trying to keep your head up, smile and laugh, and say everything's okay because it takes all the energy out of you. You'd think at the end of the day you'd be tired, and you are, but this disease won't even let you. With all the pills you take, 3 of the 9 night pills everyday specifically to help you sleep. Sometimes they work just like they're supposed to and sometimes they just don't. You would think with 3 pills every morning, 3 pills every afternoon, 9 pills every night and a 4th pill somewhere between afternoon and night that it would fix everything. You would think with all the damn pills and all the damn exercise and all the damn diet changes that you would feel better. But you don't. Sometimes you do. No guarantees though. Is some freaking sleep to much to freaking ask for?!?! Apparently it is. Because it hasn't been a bad enough week already, lets not let you sleep. Maybe you'll get so tired that you will literally pass out. You can only hope and dream. Dreams are nice, but you only get them when you can remember them and you can only remember them when you actually get good sleep. I think it's safe to say I'm in a really bitter mood. And I can be as bitter as I want to be right now because I spend every single day being positive and strong. But I have every right to sit here and cry because right now it sucks to be me. It sucks it sucks it sucks! RIght now I just have no energy to be strong positive fighter girl, right now the only energy I have is to lay in my bed and cry till I somehow fall asleep. I'll be strong positive fighter girl when I wake up though because that's what you do. You fight and you stay strong and that's that.

In Control

It's kind of an amazing thing to see puzzle pieces coming together all at once. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, that God reveals things at a certain time and place in your life and that He never gives us more than we can handle.

I've had this post saved in my drafts for a few weeks now because I've been so overwhelmed everytime I go to write something. My mind has been stuck in a state of shock and relief and disbelieve and sadness and grief and anger and hate and loss. All while searching for acceptance of the fact that I have Fibromyalgia. I'm sick and I will never be cured. I'm not normal, my body doesn't work like a healthy persons does. I have to take medicine for the rest of my life. I have to change my entire lifetyle. Not that it's so terrible as it is, but it has to be even better. None of this change is easy, and it's going to take a long time to figure everything out. It's a lot to handle when you're not even 20 years old and you find out all the illness and ailments you've had to deal with are because you've been sick your entire life and no one even knew it. It's a lot to wrap your brain around.

I've had symptoms since I was 4. Weird problems that never seemed to all be conected to one thing. I missed half of high school, totally bombed my first year of college and lost everything that ever meant anything to me. Sometimes things just hit you all at once when you realize how much it really effects you, even though you think it doesn't, it really does and when you realize it, sometimes all you can do is just cry. Because there are just no words that describe what you're feeling.

I never realized how complicated of a disease fibromyalgia really is untill I knew that I had it and I started researching it like crazy. It effects the autonomic nervous system. It's widespread pain throughout pretty much every muscle and conective tissue in the body. Debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbances, difficulty with swallowing, bowel and bladder abnormalities, ringing in the ears, numbness and tingeling, and cognitive dysfuntion. Fibromyalgia derives from new Latin, fibro-, meaning "fibrous tissues", Greek myo-, "muscle", and Greek algos-, "pain"; thus the term literally means "muscle and connective tissue pain".

As I think back on times when I was sick and my parents had no idea why, I realize that it's all related to Fibromyalgia. I've had issues with bladder infections for as long as I can remember, not just normal bladder infections either, one day it's a but pinchy and you can tell it's starting and the next day I'm peeing blood and it's a full blown kidney infection, no gap or bridge in between. I got my first one when I was 4. I've had problems swallowing food for as long as I can remember too, I got food stuck in my throat constantly, so much so that my mom took me to get a swallow study done. Nothing showed up of course. Nothing has ever showed up on any test I've ever had because there is no test for fibromyalgia. It's a dissease of elimination. You have to eliminate every other possible option before getting a diagnosis.

A lot of people would take this as my life is over, or just be depressed about it and want to get disability and stay in their house and do nothing about it. Not want to better themselves. Honestly I cannot imagine doing or even thinking like that. I've already been to hell and back with all the medical problems I've had over my lifetime and I will continue to have them for who knows how long. Instead of moping around and feeling sorry for myself I'm doing something about my situation. I can't change a lot and I can't control much, but there are things I can control and change and I will.

I'm pretty much being forced to be healthy in a way, which isn't a bad thing at all. I've been really good about working out and eating right the past week. I've ran/walked over 10 miles this week. I ran a mile in 18:28 and the day after I ran it in 17:42, my goal is to be able to run it in 15 minutes. I'm running a 5K this July, the Color Vibe 5K in Aurora, IL and I am SO PUMPED. Everything has just been whirling around me like a tornado and I've had no control over anything but I have complete control over this. I finally feel like I know what to do and how to deal with all this stress and chaos that's been present in my life for what feels like forever.

Reasons

feels like I've been waiting for forever
I don't know what to do
will you try and do whatever
to help me make it through

I keep running out of reasons
I don't know what to do
will you hold my hand forever
because I have to make it through

help me sleep tonight
all you have to do is let me inside
let me know your love will never change
don't forget to call my name

coming undone
come and find me
take me away 
I keep waiting

maybe it's all this distance
wrong directions keep me wishing
what a beautiful mystery
a story never told

my bright eyes
they look upon your face
we caught fire
and set all ablaze around

ashes remain just look around
we don't make a sound
we crumbled on the ground
don't leave me in the dark

feels like I've been waiting for forever
I don't know what to do
will you try and do whatever
to help me make it through

I keep running out of reasons
I don't know what to do
will you hold my hand forever
because I have to make it through

Somewhere Is Better Than Nowhere

I had a homework assignment last week for my psychology class. It was to write my own obituary. I thought it was really weird and I had no idea what to write, but as I was actualyl writing it it made me think. What if I died right now. What would I leave behind, what would my legacy be. What have I acomplished in my barely twenty years of life. I have a hard time talking about myself sometimes, most of the time actually. I feel like I'm bragging and I feel bad. But when I really got to thinking about my life, I realized that I've acomplished so much. I have been through things that no one will ever be able to understand and as much bad that has come out of it, there's so much good. I have every right to brag, and I should.
 
Obituarys talk about the death of a loved one and who they left behind, what they acomlished maybe, mostly it's up to their family. If I died right now I would leave behing my mom and my dad, who would be totally devestated. They've raised me in the best way I could ever ask for. I'd leave behing my animals. My dog Aly and my dog Honey Bear, and my guinea pig Lizzy. They are my whole world, I can't even imagine life without them. I know what life without them would be because I've already lost some and it just sucks. I don't have any siblings, I'm not close with any of my cousins and I never see them. My pets are everything. I would hope people would miss me, I know a lot of people who really would.
 
Eventhough there would be a lot of negative if I died right now, there's a lot I have to be proud of too. I was a published writer at seventeen. Twice, actually. I won first place in a literary competition for a story about my life and my experience going through my first knee surgery. At that point in my life that was the biggest thing to happen and I though it would be the last, but little did I know then HAHA. I've writen lyrics. I've written music. Some of my writing and my thoughts have never been seen by another soul except me, but some of it has been seen by hundreds of thousands, who even knows. My words that make up my poems, the feelings behind them, that mean so much to me at good enough to be in books. I'm good enough to be published among hundrds of other kids like me, all throughout the country. My words were picked out of tons and tons of entrys. While other kids are sad because they didn't get picked, I did! Being good at something and knowing you're good is one thing, but when other people, strangers, see it too, that means something.
 
I'm a musicican too. A good one at that. I play tenor saxophone, clarinet, amd piano. I read music, I can sight read almost anything you put in front of me. My life would be empty without my piano. I can't go long without playing it or listening to someone else play it. It keeps me sane. I play everything. Pop, jazz, hymns, classical, you name it. Classical is my favorite. I love Beethoven and Mozart, Vivaldi and Choppin, Tchaikovsky and Bach. The list just keeps going on and on. I love Beethoven's Moonlight Sonota, it's hauntingly beautiful and it just takes me to a place that is the most serene and wondeful to be in. I played it for an audition. When I hear it, I close my eyes and I can just picture my hands moving on the keys, floating along the melody. I can't even explain it. I've recived over ten awards at solo and ensemble competitions in middle school, vocal and insrumental. I sang a song my eighth grade year, The Sound Of Music from the movie The Sound Of Music, I can play that one too, and I sing along and it takes me to another place again. I won a directors award too, which in eighth grade is a big deal. Someone once told me that the way I talk about my music sounds like it's a drug and that's probably the only way I can even describe what it does to me. It's my drug. My addiction. And I pride myself on my musical talents, and that's because to be quite frank, I am damn good at what I do. Yes, there are much better pianists, but that doesn't matter to me.
 
 I used to be shy about all of this. Blogging, writing, singing, playing my instruments in front of people and even just talking about it all. Everything. But I'm not anymore. Hell I want whoever reads this to know it all. I used to identify with the sick girl, the girl that was broken but still held her head high enough to keep breathing. I never let myself identify with the good. The girl thats published, the girl thats talented, the girl that's not broken anymore. I was scared to write and for people to see what I wrote. Fear of it not making sense to someone else, but it doesn't matter because it makes sense to me.

If I died right now it would be tragic and sad and horrible and devestating. If I died right now I would have a lot to be remembered by. I would be remembered well. I would have left a mark, to who or what I'm not really sure, but I know it's somewhere and somewhere is better than nowhere and that's perfectly good enough for me.  

Decisions

I think there comes a point in your life when you have to decide what's worth fighting for. What battles are you going to fight to the death and which ones you need to just let go. I feel like I've been faced with that decision a lot in my lifetime. I'm barely twenty but I feel as if I've been to hell and back and I have the battle scars to prove it and the knowledge to get through it, to get through anything with a smile on my face.

I've been sick, I've been wounded, I've been hurt, I've been sad, I've been negative when I had every right to be, but I've been positive when I had every reason not to be. I've pushed through things when I could have given up. I've succeded when I had all the odds stacked against me. I'm here standing tall when I could have laid down and crumbled a long time ago. I feel like God has kept his hand on my shoulders through everything, he's been here holding my hand and getting me through it. I had every temptation to question him and ask why and be angry and spitfull, but I never did. Because I really do believe that everything happens for a reason and God has specific plans for you and your life.

I thought that nothing could be worse than missing half of high school because you were literally too sick to function and go to school. I thought the toughest thing I would have to face was having major surgery on my knee and spending months in rehab only to have compications and have it be dragged out for 3 years only to have another surgery in the middle of college. I was wrong. My first semester of college just topped it all off. I've explained it so many times and so many ways that I can't even do it anymore, but one word sums it all up. HELL. Seriously hell on earth.

If there's one thing I've learned it's figuring out who's a friend and who's a foe. Deciding what and who is worth it in the end and if it's going to effect my life in a negative or positive way. It's really hard though. To know what you have and to know what you have to do to make sure you're looking out for yourself and make sure you're doing what's best for YOU and not everyone else around you. People come and go, relationships happen, sometimes they last and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they're toxic, sometimes they're negative, postive, serious, fun, friendly, romanic, you name it. People are going to want you, need you, exceed you, take you, love you, hate you, play you, rate you, save you, and break you but in the end thats what makes you.

I have a hard time letting people and relationships go. I always want to fix things and fix people and make everything bettter and I feel like when I let go I'm giving up and I feel bad about it. I've learned that just because you give up on things doesn't mean you fail at anything, it means you know what's best for you and you know when enough is enough. That's where I am now. I've had enough and I can't keep wishing and trying and making all this effort when I get nothing in return. It makes me sad because I always try my hardest and a lot of the time I end up right where I am now but it's okay because I'm growing up and you gotta do what you gotta do.

Unknown

It's another one of those nights, I can't sleep, I can't stay still, and I hurt. I ache. I kinda just want to cry at this moment in time. I probably failed my christian bible midterm I took today, no biggie, that's how I feel everytime I take a test and then I do super awesome right? Wrong. I think that and then I actually do end up totaly failing it. Normally I'm really positive and I never let anything get to me, I blow it off and keep moving forword, but lately I'm pretty much the opposite. I don't know why and I don't know at what point I started being like this. I feel sad, and in my thoughts I think 'I'm defeated'. I've spent so much of my time and my life the past 3 years strugling, pushing through all the bad shit, keeping my head just far enough above the water to not drown.

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around in darkness trying to fight the light switch and I just keep stubmling around getting more and more lost. I think the only thing that keeps me grounded is my faith. I honestly don't know how I would still be here holding my head up high if I didn't believe in God. I listen to music when I write, and right now I'm listening to this song called Everything Falls by Free. It pretty much sums up everything in these lines, "when everything falls apart your arms hold me together, when everything falls apart you're the only hope for this heart, when everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find you mighty and strong, you keep holding on, you keep holding on." If I had nothing to hold onto I would have fallen a long time ago, and every morning that I wake up I'm thankful that I'm still breathing, that I have another day to live my life to the best of my abilities.

Sometimes, which is almost all the time lately, I ache all the time, all over, and everything hurts, all the time, all over, no matter what I do. I try not to dwell on the fact that I still put up with this mystery illness, and the fact that I have no answers. But for as much pain as I'm in, I'm still breathing, I'm still walking, I'm still brushing my hair by myself, I'm still getting dressed and going to class, I'm still doing my homework, I'm still thinking clearly, because when I first got this mystery illness I couldn't do any of those things, and you never realize how much something means to you untill you lose it.

I'm tearing up as I'm wrting this, because I'm thinking so much right now. I don't do that a lot, this whole thinking about everything I've been through thing, because that's what happens, I cry. I've been going to a counselor the past two weeks, and I've talked about a lot of this stuff that I filed away in the back of my mind. When I talk about it, which is the entire time, I just want to cry. I don't know why, I don't know if it's relief, or happiness or sadness or whatever else it could be. I think it's because I don't talk about it, because I don't like crying on front of people. I'd much rather cry alone in my room curled up under my blankets with my bunny. No one really knows about it because I don't say anything, because I don't know where to start, and even when I do, they just look at me with eyes full of pitty or something like that and I hate it, because I feel like I'm weird. Funny how I'm the one that's sick but I'm the one that feels bad about it? Doesn't really sound right to me, but I don't know what else to say about that. When people ask me how I am I say I'm fine because if I really said what was going through my mind they wouldn't know what to say. I think another part of it is that I'm just a really private person, I don't want my business out there for everyone whos nosey to know. I don't know who reads my blog, but it's different because even when I see someone viewed it, I don't know who, or where they read it from, it's totaly unknown and that kind of unknown I can handle.

I really just want to sleep right now. I have a 9:20 am class, so sleep would be really helpfull right now. I start to close my eyes and fall asleep and then I get so sore in the position I'm sleeping in that I have to move and I start all over again and again untill eventually I'm so utterly and completly exhasuted my body just colapses. It's kind of like deja vu for me. This is how it was way back when alllll this started. I would lay on the couch with my mom and listen to the sound of the wind blowing that leaves around outside. She would keep the screen door open in the living room for me, and she stayed up with me untill I fell asleep. Most times I would only get a couple hours of sleep at a time, because my body just couldn't stay asleep for any longer than that.

I get scared when I feel like this, because I don't want to be back in that place ever again. My hands and fingers feel like they are on fire right now, and so so so incredibly achy. From the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes.

I want to be in my dreams, because dreams are always better than reality. Dreams are everything you wish your life was. I know when I have bad sleep because I don't remember my dreams. I can't remember them. It sucks because the times I can't remember them are the times I need them the most. I can't write anymore because it just hurts too much. I'll try and remember in the morning, my sweet dreams.

Too Much

I have so much to say, because I have so many thoughts running through my head, but I don't know where to start. I don't know what I want to say, or if I even want to say anything. Sometimes I think I want to say everything but there's just so much that the thought of even begining to say what's on my mind is an overwhelming thought. And because I think of it as an overwhelming thought, it becomes and overwhelming task. I'm now at the point where the thought of it being overwhelming is less of a big deal because there's just too many thoughts built up and there is no place else for them to go.

I thought high school would be better than juinor high and I was wrong. I thought college would be better than high school and I was wrong again. This past semester and this current semester has been like hell. All I wanted was to be normal and have normal college stuff happen, but yet again, because I haven't gone through enough, I can't have that either. I don't mean to sound like some kind of whining baby, but sometimes I feel like that. I'll be the first to admit that I complain about this a lot, and it's because it effects me so much.

Here's how I see everything. My perspective. I feel like I'm in this corner all by myself, I feel like I'm standing alone on the frontlines, with no one standing with me, no one to help me out. She has all these people advocating for her, her parents, the campus saftey, ths residence hall directors, all doing things for her, being concerned with what's good for her. And I'm over here with onlymyself as an advocate. I have no one looking out for me, no one is saying or asking what's best for me, nope, nothing for Marla. I'm alone.

I have spent all this time trying to do the right thing, get the probelms solved, help out as much as I can and I'm the one that is punished. I'm the one that gets nothing in return. I make tiny minor mistake and I get treated like omited a crime and broke the fucking law.  I personally think it's all bullshit and the way the university has handled all this is abolutly stupid and rediculos.

This is only a quarter of all the things on my mind, all the shit I'm dealing with. I'm so stressed, about everything, school, me, social life, you name it I'm stressin'. I have 8 weeks to go and I feel like it's just never going to end. I'm getting lost inmy thoughts again, and I don't know how to vocalize the rest of what I want to say.

Nervous

I want to sleep, but I can't. I'm so restless. I have all these nervouse butterflies in my stomach. I'm so exhausted and just can't sleep. It really doesn't matter how tired I am because in like 10 ish hours I'm gonna be so doped up on pain meds and anethesia that I'll be able to sleep for like 3 days straight. All I want is to be fixed, pain free, and able to be a normal flippin person. Cause as it is now I can't do like anything, and it's SO frusterating. I can't run, I can't go up stairs, I can't drive, I can't sleep, I can't shop, I can't even walk most times, at least not without being in pain and I'm really sick of it. I don't even know what else to say right now, I have so much going through my mind and I feel like my head is going to expload any minute.

Pickles

Pickles. I'm gonna cut straight to the point. I miss you. A lot. And I'm kind of at a loss for words that you're gone. I feel like I didn't even get to say goodbye. And now I never will. I didn't have you very long, but you meant so much and I loved you so much. I feel like everything has beed dying lately. Everything that means the most to me. Some people don't get it, because you guys are just animals, but it's such a big deal. You were part of my family. And now half of my family is gone. You're not alone wherever you are, you have Amber and Ginger to keep you company. Tell them I miss them a lot too, everyone does.  Lizzy is so lonely without you and Ginger. She's all by herself. I think she misses you a lot too. I hope you rest in piggie peace Pickles. Always in my heart and thoughts, never forgoten. I love you my little Gherkin♥

Some days, I break.

There never seems to be an in between, a grey, or a kinda sorta maybe. It's black and white. Yes or no. One or the other. I've been laying in my bed for a while now, trying to fall asleep. It's not that I'm not tired, I am tired, I'm so so exhausted. My body just doesn't like to let me sleep sometimes. Most days I'm okay, but some days I'm not. Most days I can keep my smile on my face, but some days I just can't help but to frown. Most days I feel good, even great, but some days, I just break. I'm not going to re explain all my issues, I've done that too many times, explained it all to too many doctors and friends and family memebers, and I'm so tired of doing that. But I can't sleep tonight, like most nights lately. I fall asleep, and then the pain wakes me up, again and again and again. Sometimes it's that dull deep pain, sometimes it's that shooting pinching pain, but most times it's that burning, achey, make you wanna scream kinda pain. Most times I can just ignor it, it's been there so long that sometimes I don't even notice it. 2 years of  dealing with it will do that to you. Sometimes, well, pretty much all the time actually, I find it really hard to tell people what's wrong, because I just don't know what to say to them when they ask me what's wrong or if I'm okay. And there's people that I should tell, and I'm constantly trying to find the right words, and the right time to, but I can never seem to spit it out. I'm afraid. I'm terrified. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm in pain. All day, everyday. I have no trouble spilling my guts on my blog, mostly because I don't think anyone really reads it, which is fine by me. I just break some days. I go on and on and on about stuff I can't actually speak out loud. I'm all over the place, just going on and on. I'm having surgery, again, on December 19th of this year. I'm really scared. I'm scared that everything is gonna go wrong. That I'm gonna get all kinds of complications like last time. I don't wanna deal with all the pain, again. I wanna be fixed. I wanna be painless, for once. I don't even know what to say anymore. Maybe I can sleep. I can hope at least. I just want to be at peace.

Untitled

drive away
drive away from everything I've ever known
take the train
watch me as I go

keep me safe
stay with me as I leave
please don't cry
this doesn't mean goodbye

take me away to Georgia
send me to L.A
leave me here in New York
just go and let me be

I just need to get away
from all these people
and this sad, sad place
that leaves stains upon my face

just drive away
from this place of misery
I'll board the train
watch me from far away

please keep me safe
be with me while I dream
don't cry
it won't ever mean goodbye

Everything

the way you say my name
the way you walk away
say hello but please don't go

keep breathing in and out
don't leave me here with all this doubt
please stay with me tonight

I need you here tonight
I need to know that you're alright
don't stray too far away
I can't see you when you're so far away

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you are
I can't sleep at night sometimes
but at least I know that you're alright

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were
when I have sleepless nights I just stare out into the night sky
but I can't see you when you're so far away

something is so wrong
it's so empty in there
it's too quiet in here
it's too quiet without you my dear

I didn't notice
didn't notice how much of me you had
my heart is missing you
forever will be

I need you here tonight
I know that you're alright
but you're so far away
and it just doesn't feel right

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you are
I can't sleep at night sometimes
but at least I know that you're alright

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were
when I have sleepless nights I just stare out into the night sky
but I can't see you when you're so far away 

be safe
be okay
stay sweet
stay so sincere

I'll keep you here
forever in my heart
but I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were

Ginger

I knew the day would come where I would have to let you go, to be in a better place. I just didn't expect to have to let you go so soon and suddenly. You weren't just a guinea pig, and I know that to some people it's weird and stupid, or whatever other thoughts run through their minds, but I don't see it that way. When I was all alone and everyone left me and forgot about me, you sat with me all day, and never left my side. You made me feel happy when it seemed like all I could be was sad. You had no expectations except lettuce. You loved and trusted me with only the purest kind there is. I rescued you and in a way you rescued me too. I remember the day I brought you home, April 30th 2010. I don't know how I would have gotten through all those months after my surgery and rehab without your little face to greet me and comfort me everyday. I love all of my guinea pigs so much I can't explain it, but me and you always had a special bond that I've never had with any animal and I don't think I ever will again. I miss you every day and every night. You will always be a thought in the back of my mind. I will love you forever and ever, never forgoten and always missed. You have a friend up there, wherever you may be, keep Amber company and get along. My baby Ginger piggie, may your wonderfull sweet little soul rest in peace♥

Drown

walking out the door
hoping you had more
all you have inside
is a fire behing your eyes
burns both day and night
screams and shouts
that flame will never burn out
pounding from within
out of the  head
never wanted to let you in
speak thoughts out loud
hear whispers with no sound
let the rain fall
don't let me down
save me as I drown
memories rush into your mind
yeah they get me all the time
did you hear me when I said it out loud
can you see me when I don't make a sound
would you ever let me drown
please don't let me drown

Amber

This is my precious 12 year old pittbull/lab mix, Amber. She has spent the last 13 years of my life with me and my family. Being an old dog, she;s definitely slowed down the past few years, especially this past year. The past day or so she has no been doing well at all. She lay down on the floor and she's hardly move since. She won't eat. She won't drink. She won't stand by herself. She just wont move. She breathes, and it takes all the energy she has left to just do that. It's not that she doesn't want to do all those things though, I know, she tries so hard to drink and it she just can't seem to do it on her own. It just kills me to see her like this. My Amber dog that is always so brave and powerful. The first one to greet you at the door. I have been crying all day long at the thought, the fact that I'm going to lose her. I just can't get over it. I don't know what life is like without her. I don't want her to suffer, or be in pain, or anything. I want her to be peaceful. I want to remember her as the happiest thing in my life. The best part of my day. The high light of my week, The reason I love walking through the doors. Hearing her so excited to see me, like she hasn't seen me in years, prancing around the living room with her and hugging her so tight she squirms out of my arms. I already miss that so much. I can't do much to help her. I just sit on the floor and lay with her, petting her and hugging her. Wiping the druel off her face and giving her water with a rag so it can drip down her throat. All I can do is what she has always done for me when I was sick, just be there at her side. She always just knew when something was wrong, she just sat there with her head on me, as long as I needed her for. She has been loyal to me all these years and it's my turn to return her the favor. All I can do is pray that when it is her time to go, that she goes peacfully and pain free. I know it's hard for some people to understand, because it's "just a dog" but it is so much more than that. She is my family. She is apart of me. I love her more than I can even describe and she means the absolute world to me. I'll stick with her till the end, but I'll sleep better knowing that I've given her the best dog days she could have. Nothing but love and affection and care. That's all a dog could ever ask for, that and, lots of milk bones. She's got it all. She willl always hold a special place in my heart that no dog will ever be able to fill. I love you so so so so much Amber, I will miss you when it's time. Gone but never, ever forgotten.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Ahhh! Taylor Swift is at it yet again! I'm so super excited! Her new album, RED will be out October 22, 2012! I have been listening to her new single, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, non stop since it came out! She never ever dissapoints me! Here's the lyrics and the link to hear the song! Fearless Fan Forever!

"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

I remember when we broke up the first time
Saying, "This is it, I've had enough," 'cause like
We hadn't seen each other in a month
When you said you needed space. (What?)
Then you come around again and say
"Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me."
Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say, "I hate you," we break up, you call me, "I love you."

Oooh we called it off again last night
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

Like, ever...

I'm really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for it screaming that I'm right
And you, would hide away and find your peace of mind
With some indie record that's much cooler than mine

Oooh, you called me up again tonight
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (talk to me)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

Oooh oooh oooh oooh

I used to think that we were forever ever
And I used to say never say never
Huh, so he calls me up and he's like, "I still love you"
And I'm like, "I just, I mean this is exhausting, you know, like,
We are never getting back together. Like, ever"

No!

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

We are not getting back together,
We oh, not getting back together

You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (talk to me)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcMn_Eu-XTE&feature=share

Secrets

lurking in the shadows
with their silent screams
waiting behind the scenes
innocence it seems

kept for so long
such distance put between
the space and the time
it's all put on the line

secrets are tearing up my heart
secrets are pulling me apart
your words pass through me
how can I react

secrets are everywhere
too many to be aware
the chaos that they leave
is more than it ever seemed

my mind must speak aloud
silent is the sound
the secrets I have found
hiding in your mouth

better lost than found
a soul that can't stay ground
I cannot sleep at all
for your secrets have been found

Endlessly

lost in a sea of my frustration
caught in a fog of falling faith
give me someone to hold on to
give me something to let go of
endlessly
endlessly
for screams and tears I've cried
all the feelings I had to hide
seven hundred and thirty days I tried
endlessly
endlessly
I fought so hard
lost so many times
never imagined and ending like this
all the moments were so worth it
endlessly
endlessly
you're so easy to miss
now that there is nothing more to this
I have been torn apart
and rebirthed from it
endlessly
endlessly

North Avenue

North Avenue Beach - Chicago, IL

Today was pretty awesome. Spent the day at my favorite place in the world, Chicago. There is nothing better than the smell of Lake Michigan, the feeling of sand in between your toes and the sun shining down all day long. Taking turns laying on my towel and swiming in the lake. Taking in the amazing skyline of the greatest city on earth. I miss being so close to the city, it kinda stinks that it takes an hour to get there. But, anyways, my day was amazing. I had the most fun I've had all summer long. I laughed so much I gave myself a headache. Jumping over the waves as they roll in, and squishing my fingers int he sand. That is love, for me anyways. I finally have a tan! It only took almost the entire summer...but hey, who cares, I got it now! haha. I can't wait to go back. I love the trains and busses and the sound of honking car horns and train horns. I think the sounds of trains in the distance is one of the most calming noises to fall asleep to. Back home in Cal City, I used to fall asleep to that every night. Every once in a while I'll hear one as I'm drifting off to sleep, but not too often. I can't wait to be back in the city again someday. I want to live there so badly, ever since I was a little girl. Suburbs and country is alright, but nothing compares to the hustle and bustle of the city. I cannot stand all these corn fields and tractors everywhere. Drives me nuts. It's a nice town and all, but it's just not my cup of tea. It's okay though, just have to wait till that someday comes my way.