Unknown

It's another one of those nights, I can't sleep, I can't stay still, and I hurt. I ache. I kinda just want to cry at this moment in time. I probably failed my christian bible midterm I took today, no biggie, that's how I feel everytime I take a test and then I do super awesome right? Wrong. I think that and then I actually do end up totaly failing it. Normally I'm really positive and I never let anything get to me, I blow it off and keep moving forword, but lately I'm pretty much the opposite. I don't know why and I don't know at what point I started being like this. I feel sad, and in my thoughts I think 'I'm defeated'. I've spent so much of my time and my life the past 3 years strugling, pushing through all the bad shit, keeping my head just far enough above the water to not drown.

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around in darkness trying to fight the light switch and I just keep stubmling around getting more and more lost. I think the only thing that keeps me grounded is my faith. I honestly don't know how I would still be here holding my head up high if I didn't believe in God. I listen to music when I write, and right now I'm listening to this song called Everything Falls by Free. It pretty much sums up everything in these lines, "when everything falls apart your arms hold me together, when everything falls apart you're the only hope for this heart, when everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find you mighty and strong, you keep holding on, you keep holding on." If I had nothing to hold onto I would have fallen a long time ago, and every morning that I wake up I'm thankful that I'm still breathing, that I have another day to live my life to the best of my abilities.

Sometimes, which is almost all the time lately, I ache all the time, all over, and everything hurts, all the time, all over, no matter what I do. I try not to dwell on the fact that I still put up with this mystery illness, and the fact that I have no answers. But for as much pain as I'm in, I'm still breathing, I'm still walking, I'm still brushing my hair by myself, I'm still getting dressed and going to class, I'm still doing my homework, I'm still thinking clearly, because when I first got this mystery illness I couldn't do any of those things, and you never realize how much something means to you untill you lose it.

I'm tearing up as I'm wrting this, because I'm thinking so much right now. I don't do that a lot, this whole thinking about everything I've been through thing, because that's what happens, I cry. I've been going to a counselor the past two weeks, and I've talked about a lot of this stuff that I filed away in the back of my mind. When I talk about it, which is the entire time, I just want to cry. I don't know why, I don't know if it's relief, or happiness or sadness or whatever else it could be. I think it's because I don't talk about it, because I don't like crying on front of people. I'd much rather cry alone in my room curled up under my blankets with my bunny. No one really knows about it because I don't say anything, because I don't know where to start, and even when I do, they just look at me with eyes full of pitty or something like that and I hate it, because I feel like I'm weird. Funny how I'm the one that's sick but I'm the one that feels bad about it? Doesn't really sound right to me, but I don't know what else to say about that. When people ask me how I am I say I'm fine because if I really said what was going through my mind they wouldn't know what to say. I think another part of it is that I'm just a really private person, I don't want my business out there for everyone whos nosey to know. I don't know who reads my blog, but it's different because even when I see someone viewed it, I don't know who, or where they read it from, it's totaly unknown and that kind of unknown I can handle.

I really just want to sleep right now. I have a 9:20 am class, so sleep would be really helpfull right now. I start to close my eyes and fall asleep and then I get so sore in the position I'm sleeping in that I have to move and I start all over again and again untill eventually I'm so utterly and completly exhasuted my body just colapses. It's kind of like deja vu for me. This is how it was way back when alllll this started. I would lay on the couch with my mom and listen to the sound of the wind blowing that leaves around outside. She would keep the screen door open in the living room for me, and she stayed up with me untill I fell asleep. Most times I would only get a couple hours of sleep at a time, because my body just couldn't stay asleep for any longer than that.

I get scared when I feel like this, because I don't want to be back in that place ever again. My hands and fingers feel like they are on fire right now, and so so so incredibly achy. From the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes.

I want to be in my dreams, because dreams are always better than reality. Dreams are everything you wish your life was. I know when I have bad sleep because I don't remember my dreams. I can't remember them. It sucks because the times I can't remember them are the times I need them the most. I can't write anymore because it just hurts too much. I'll try and remember in the morning, my sweet dreams.