In Control

It's kind of an amazing thing to see puzzle pieces coming together all at once. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, that God reveals things at a certain time and place in your life and that He never gives us more than we can handle.

I've had this post saved in my drafts for a few weeks now because I've been so overwhelmed everytime I go to write something. My mind has been stuck in a state of shock and relief and disbelieve and sadness and grief and anger and hate and loss. All while searching for acceptance of the fact that I have Fibromyalgia. I'm sick and I will never be cured. I'm not normal, my body doesn't work like a healthy persons does. I have to take medicine for the rest of my life. I have to change my entire lifetyle. Not that it's so terrible as it is, but it has to be even better. None of this change is easy, and it's going to take a long time to figure everything out. It's a lot to handle when you're not even 20 years old and you find out all the illness and ailments you've had to deal with are because you've been sick your entire life and no one even knew it. It's a lot to wrap your brain around.

I've had symptoms since I was 4. Weird problems that never seemed to all be conected to one thing. I missed half of high school, totally bombed my first year of college and lost everything that ever meant anything to me. Sometimes things just hit you all at once when you realize how much it really effects you, even though you think it doesn't, it really does and when you realize it, sometimes all you can do is just cry. Because there are just no words that describe what you're feeling.

I never realized how complicated of a disease fibromyalgia really is untill I knew that I had it and I started researching it like crazy. It effects the autonomic nervous system. It's widespread pain throughout pretty much every muscle and conective tissue in the body. Debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbances, difficulty with swallowing, bowel and bladder abnormalities, ringing in the ears, numbness and tingeling, and cognitive dysfuntion. Fibromyalgia derives from new Latin, fibro-, meaning "fibrous tissues", Greek myo-, "muscle", and Greek algos-, "pain"; thus the term literally means "muscle and connective tissue pain".

As I think back on times when I was sick and my parents had no idea why, I realize that it's all related to Fibromyalgia. I've had issues with bladder infections for as long as I can remember, not just normal bladder infections either, one day it's a but pinchy and you can tell it's starting and the next day I'm peeing blood and it's a full blown kidney infection, no gap or bridge in between. I got my first one when I was 4. I've had problems swallowing food for as long as I can remember too, I got food stuck in my throat constantly, so much so that my mom took me to get a swallow study done. Nothing showed up of course. Nothing has ever showed up on any test I've ever had because there is no test for fibromyalgia. It's a dissease of elimination. You have to eliminate every other possible option before getting a diagnosis.

A lot of people would take this as my life is over, or just be depressed about it and want to get disability and stay in their house and do nothing about it. Not want to better themselves. Honestly I cannot imagine doing or even thinking like that. I've already been to hell and back with all the medical problems I've had over my lifetime and I will continue to have them for who knows how long. Instead of moping around and feeling sorry for myself I'm doing something about my situation. I can't change a lot and I can't control much, but there are things I can control and change and I will.

I'm pretty much being forced to be healthy in a way, which isn't a bad thing at all. I've been really good about working out and eating right the past week. I've ran/walked over 10 miles this week. I ran a mile in 18:28 and the day after I ran it in 17:42, my goal is to be able to run it in 15 minutes. I'm running a 5K this July, the Color Vibe 5K in Aurora, IL and I am SO PUMPED. Everything has just been whirling around me like a tornado and I've had no control over anything but I have complete control over this. I finally feel like I know what to do and how to deal with all this stress and chaos that's been present in my life for what feels like forever.