RIght Now At 1:36 AM

Sometimes it's so hard to keep your head up when everything around you is pulling it down. Sometimes it's hard to smile and laugh hen you have a millions reasons to frown and cry. Sometimes when someone asks you how you're doing it's hard to say you're okay when you hardly ever are. Every single day is unknown territory. There's nothing to prepare you if you need to read lightly or if you can jump in head first. Even when it's a nice clear sunny day the rain can just hit you like flash flood. But I think the hardest part of everything is actually trying to do all that stuff. Actually trying to keep your head up, smile and laugh, and say everything's okay because it takes all the energy out of you. You'd think at the end of the day you'd be tired, and you are, but this disease won't even let you. With all the pills you take, 3 of the 9 night pills everyday specifically to help you sleep. Sometimes they work just like they're supposed to and sometimes they just don't. You would think with 3 pills every morning, 3 pills every afternoon, 9 pills every night and a 4th pill somewhere between afternoon and night that it would fix everything. You would think with all the damn pills and all the damn exercise and all the damn diet changes that you would feel better. But you don't. Sometimes you do. No guarantees though. Is some freaking sleep to much to freaking ask for?!?! Apparently it is. Because it hasn't been a bad enough week already, lets not let you sleep. Maybe you'll get so tired that you will literally pass out. You can only hope and dream. Dreams are nice, but you only get them when you can remember them and you can only remember them when you actually get good sleep. I think it's safe to say I'm in a really bitter mood. And I can be as bitter as I want to be right now because I spend every single day being positive and strong. But I have every right to sit here and cry because right now it sucks to be me. It sucks it sucks it sucks! RIght now I just have no energy to be strong positive fighter girl, right now the only energy I have is to lay in my bed and cry till I somehow fall asleep. I'll be strong positive fighter girl when I wake up though because that's what you do. You fight and you stay strong and that's that.