Decisions

I think there comes a point in your life when you have to decide what's worth fighting for. What battles are you going to fight to the death and which ones you need to just let go. I feel like I've been faced with that decision a lot in my lifetime. I'm barely twenty but I feel as if I've been to hell and back and I have the battle scars to prove it and the knowledge to get through it, to get through anything with a smile on my face.

I've been sick, I've been wounded, I've been hurt, I've been sad, I've been negative when I had every right to be, but I've been positive when I had every reason not to be. I've pushed through things when I could have given up. I've succeded when I had all the odds stacked against me. I'm here standing tall when I could have laid down and crumbled a long time ago. I feel like God has kept his hand on my shoulders through everything, he's been here holding my hand and getting me through it. I had every temptation to question him and ask why and be angry and spitfull, but I never did. Because I really do believe that everything happens for a reason and God has specific plans for you and your life.

I thought that nothing could be worse than missing half of high school because you were literally too sick to function and go to school. I thought the toughest thing I would have to face was having major surgery on my knee and spending months in rehab only to have compications and have it be dragged out for 3 years only to have another surgery in the middle of college. I was wrong. My first semester of college just topped it all off. I've explained it so many times and so many ways that I can't even do it anymore, but one word sums it all up. HELL. Seriously hell on earth.

If there's one thing I've learned it's figuring out who's a friend and who's a foe. Deciding what and who is worth it in the end and if it's going to effect my life in a negative or positive way. It's really hard though. To know what you have and to know what you have to do to make sure you're looking out for yourself and make sure you're doing what's best for YOU and not everyone else around you. People come and go, relationships happen, sometimes they last and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they're toxic, sometimes they're negative, postive, serious, fun, friendly, romanic, you name it. People are going to want you, need you, exceed you, take you, love you, hate you, play you, rate you, save you, and break you but in the end thats what makes you.

I have a hard time letting people and relationships go. I always want to fix things and fix people and make everything bettter and I feel like when I let go I'm giving up and I feel bad about it. I've learned that just because you give up on things doesn't mean you fail at anything, it means you know what's best for you and you know when enough is enough. That's where I am now. I've had enough and I can't keep wishing and trying and making all this effort when I get nothing in return. It makes me sad because I always try my hardest and a lot of the time I end up right where I am now but it's okay because I'm growing up and you gotta do what you gotta do.