Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Long Time
Man, it feels like I haven't been on here forever. Only a few more days of school left and I'm home free! Yay! I was going to graduate early next year, but I got a phone call from my councelor today and this class I want to take, School of Rock, which teaches you how to write songs, is only offered the second semester. So, it's definitely a deal breaker for me, so looks like I won't be graduating early after all. I'm actually soo relieved though. I've had a really hard course load and I've struggled all 3 years of high school and my Senior year I won't have to srugle at all, and I can't put into words how happy that makes me. Me and my mommy are going to see Julie friday on out way home from occupational therapy to fix my senior schedule all up. I got everything all picked out, it's going to be a seriously fun year. I'm taking Biology 2, lots of stuff to disect! Advanced Health, School of Rock, Music Theory one and two, Pottery one and two, Clothing & textiles one and two, Jewlry one and two, and then I'm going to be TA, basically a gopher for whatever teacger I want to gopher for, maybe an office runner thingy, or early dismissal, and I'm definitely going to get a job this summer. I'm so tired, I want to blog more often than I have been, but once school is over that will be soo much easier to do. Peace Out.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Happy Herb from Hell
I have been so busy the past few days with school. I finally got through the blood and cariovascular unit in Anatomy & Physiology, and I am done done done with my research paper for english! 3 more units in A&P and a few chapters left in math and I'll officially be done with my junior year, thank God. This school year has been even more of a hell hold than usual. Anyways, this is my paper I wrote for my english about teenage drug abuse and the negative effects of it on their bodies. I though, live above the influence.
Statistics from recent studies reveal that 27 percent of teens misuse some drug each month. These misused drugs include marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, and methylenedioxymethamphetamine otherwise known as Ecstasy, as well as prescription and over-the-counter medicines (teenzeen.org). Drug abuse in teenagers can stunt brain development in terms of intellectual capacity, emotional stability, and social behavior. Often teenagers get into doing drugs at a young age, some even before junior high, believing that they are just doing it now, they will not do it forever, and they can stop at anytime. "I know I am addicted. I crave weed, I think about getting high all the time… I Have tried other things but I keep coming back to weed. You cannot die from weed, you cannot overdose from it. I will change sometime, but not now" (Stewart 83). Many teenagers believe what the teenager above said. They think that marijuana is just a fun drug, relieving everyday stresses. Little do teenagers realize marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco use are the leading causes of drug abuse in adulthood.
A case study was completed around the year 2000 on a 15-year-old girl. Jodi was nine years old when she used her first drug, marijuana, and by age 11 was using it regularly. Before Jodi started drugs, she was a good student who worked hard and did not get in trouble. After drugs, Jodi's concentration shifted from school to drugs. "I was missing so much that when I was there I did not know what they were talking about. My life became about getting high with the older kids." (Stewart 91). Jodi had to repeat seventh grade three times due to the amount of work and school days she missed due to her skipping school to do drugs. Marijuana was a gateway drug for Jodi, leading her to become a major drug abuser. When Jodi was 12, she was then introduced to a new drug called speed. At one point in Jodi's teenage life, she tried acid also. She swears that she is not addicted to either speed or acid, but then admits she really isn't sure. "Maybe I am, I'm not sure," she says. "But I think I could live without them. Mostly it is the weed I could nott live without. I feel different when I use drugs; things are better when I am high. I like to laugh, but I do not do that much when I am not high." (Stewart 99). Jodi admits to being addicted to marijuana, but she does not think that she has hit the point of no return yet. She thinks that it is not the drug itself that she craves, but the way it makes her feel, because it makes her feel really happy and really silly, and it gives her a "peace of mind". The truth of the matter is she is at the point of no return, because she openly admits that she cannot live without marijuana, and when someone cannot live without a toxic substance, they truly addicted. Trying to stop smoking marijuana is just as difficult, if not harder, than trying to stop smoking cigarettes, because one thing they both have in common is that they are highly addictive, and when you are addicted, it makes it extremely difficult to stop using.
Alcohol and tobacco are the most common drugs that are readily available because they are legal. Although they are illegal for young kids, it is easy to obtain them through an adult early on, which creates availability and use that leads to abuse of alcohol and tobacco products. Subsequently the start of substance abuse occurs subsequently because of peer pressure and wanting to fit in. Once kids start to abuse alcohol and tobacco, they find that the drugs seem to relieve some of the stress and pressure in their life. "In surveys, teens often report using marijuana and other drugs to not only relieve symptoms of depression, but also to 'feel good' or 'feel better,' to relieve stress and, help them cope" (Nasso 125). Even though teens believe it makes them feel better, it is actually harming them. "Weekly or more frequent use of marijuana doubles a teen's risk of depression and anxiety. Depressed teens are more than twice as likely as their peers to abuse or become dependent on marijuana" (Nasso 125). Therefore, teens should not use marijuana to relieve symptoms, as it will only make things worse for them, even if not in the present, it will have a much bigger impact on their adult life then they realize.
Smoking cigarettes is generally the first step towards drug abuse. "Teens who smoke cigarettes are 14 times likelier than those who do not to try marijuana" (Merino 117). Some studies indicate that 55 percent of teens who are current cigarette smokers report more than half of their friends use marijuana, compared to only three percent of those that have never smoked. Smoking cigarettes seems harmless to many teenagers, but from the statistics above, it is one of the most harmful things that could lead a teenager to abuse drugs. "Among teens who have tried marijuana: 57 percent smoked cigarettes first, 29 percent have not smoked cigarettes and 13 percent smoked cigarettes at about the same time or after they tried marijuana," (Merino 118). Some teenagers start substance use with alcohol and cigarettes. After that they can progress to using marijuana. Consistent use of marijuana can then propel most teens to using harder drugs and serious substance abuse such as cocaine, speed, methamphetamine, and even household cleaning products.
Certain situations can increase the desire to smoke in teenagers and also increases their desire to use illicit drugs. A lot of teenagers often feel the symptoms of depression, which is not always a bad thing. It is part of your body and mind adjusting and growing up. When you combine depression and drugs though, it does not make the feelings disappear like most teenagers think drugs do for them. Doing drugs when depressed only exacerbates their symptoms and puts them in this cloudy haze that merely delays coping with the reality of their life. "Recent studies show that marijuana and depression are a dangerous combination, using marijuana can worsen depression and lead to more serious mental health disorders like schizophrenia, anxiety and even suicide," (Nasso 125). A lot of teenagers think of marijuana as being a natural herb that is not harmful to their bodies. In reality marijuana actually contains many of the same cancer-causing chemicals found in tobacco. "Puff for puff, the amount of tar inhaled and the level of carbon monoxide absorbed by those who smoke marijuana, regardless of the THC content are three to five times greater than among tobacco smokers." (Merino 63).
What sets marijuana apart from cigarettes and makes it even more dangerous is the tetrahydracannabinol (THC) it contains and how it affects the brain. While drug abuse can definitely affect your body emotionally, it affects it physically as well. Unlike most of the other tissues in your body, tissues in the brain cannot regenerate themselves. Most people know that using marijuana kills brain cells, but when you take a deeper look into it, it is so much more complex and dangerous than just killing brain cells. When teenagers use marijuana, chemicals travel through the bloodstream and quickly attach to nerve receptors in the brain. The main ingredient in marijuana is THC, and when it is smoked the THC attaches itself to the THC receptors in the brain. The hippocampus controls memory, emotions, and balance. The hippocampus is also the part of the brain that has the most THC receptors. It communicates with other brain regions that process new information into long-term memory. In a brain under the influence of marijuana, new information may never register and may be lost from memory. "The National Institutes of Health regards drug addiction as a disease of the brain. As the abuser takes more and more drugs, the way the brain works will change. Its functions have become abnormal," (Marcovitz 32). Unfortunately, drug use does not only affect the brain, it affects the entire body. The body changes over time, and most illicit drugs contain ingredients that affect all other parts of the body, in both the long term and short term. Drug use speeds up your heart rate to 160 beats per minute, the normal heart rate is 80 to 90 beats per minute. It dilates the blood vessels in the whites of the eyes and tints them red, it creates feelings of panic accompanied by sweating, dry mouth, and trouble breathing. Daily cough and more frequent chest colds are also more common in those who abuse drugs. "Brain imaging studies performed on long-term drug abusers show that, in many cases, the brain has actually undergone physical changes. After years of drug abuse, the parts of the brain that control judgment, decision making, learning, memory, and behavioral control have show deterioration," (Marcovitz 32).
Most teenagers that are against drug use, living above the influence, only have the research side of their arguments against drug use, they do not have actual personal experience with it, which, in my opinion is the reason why most other teenagers do not take seriously how drugs are so toxic to your body. I have always been against drug use, but it was not until this past Summer of 2010 that I truly realized the impact of being under the influence of something. I had knee surgery and my doctor prescribed me the narcotic Vicodin, which is an opiate, to help with the pain after I went home. If you asked me what happened the week after my surgery, I would not be able to tell you a single thing that happened. All I remember was feeling like I did not have control of my body or my emotions, and to be honest, it was the worst feeling I could have ever felt. I was legally high. I kept a journal before and after surgery, and my entry of the day after my surgery, May 5th, tells it all. "Today was a blur. Too much drugs…" (Personal Journal Marla Harris). Yes, it is true that when you are high reality just seems so far away, and you just feel happy, but when I was on those pain relievers they never really took all the pain away, and it made me feel depressed and hopeless. Another entry just a week later reveals how consuming the feelings are, how everything seems to be magnified. "This pain just does not leave me; it consumes me, physically and mentally. I cannot escape it, I cannot hide from it, I cannot run from it. It traps me. You think it is starting to get better because you feel like you have so much more energy, and it does not really bother you like it had been, but it is only deceiving you because then it hits you again, harder than before even, and you come crashing down, and all the tears along with you," (Personal Journal Marla Harris). I cannot even imagine how teenagers enjoy being high, how all they care about is being high. It is ridiculous. "Those addicted to marijuana, after an early feeling of exhilaration, soon lose all restraints, all inhibitions," (Marcovitz 15). When they wore off, I was right back to where I was before I took them, nothing was fixed, nothing felt better, and I was just in the same painful, miserable state that I was in before I took them.
Drug abuse also affects personal relationships, much more than people would think. It creates this constant battle between two people, and eventually they want to quit using for someone else. Unfortunately, they cannot quit for someone else, you cannot make someone do something they do not want to do, they have to want to do it themselves. They must quit for them and no one else. This has been evident in one of my personal relationships, a long-time friend, James. It is hard to see someone whom you care about completely throw their life away at such a young age. James agreed to an interview. I know that he has done drugs since he was 13, he will be 16 this year 2011. He started with alcohol and tobacco and then from there he moved to marijuana and he finally progressed to trying hard drugs like crack cocaine and Ecstasy. I asked him if he had ever done anything while he was under the influence that he would not normally do, that he regretted. "I have been arrested for being under the influence and disturbance, and carrying a knife that I regret. I may be addicted to marijuana, but in my mind that is not that important," (James Interview May 5 2011). James, as well as Jodi from the case study earlier, does not believe that smoking marijuana is dangerous. He says the same thing, that he will probably quit eventually, but not now. "I have quit everything except marijuana. In my mind marijuana is not a drug. It's just as bad as smoking except when u smoke cigarettes you do not have the side effect of loosing brain cells, you lose your life," (James Interview May 5 2011). He skips school all the time because he thinks he just is not smart enough, when in reality it is because he is addicted to drugs. This is an example of another woefully misguided teenager in denial.
A huge problem with teenagers is they believe they are invincible. They do not have a realistic sense of their own limitations and mortality. Granted, generally nobody dies from a marijuana overdose, but it starts there and leads to harder drug abuse, and finally addiction. The combined side effects of drug abuse including, emotional, physically, mental, and social can lead to an adult life of depression, psychosis and repeated failure in school, jobs, and relationships. "If we can get a child to 20 without using marijuana, there is a 98 percent chance that the child will never become addicted to any drug. While it may come across as an overemphasis on marijuana, you do not wake up when you are 25 and say, 'I want to slam meth!'" (Marcovitz 30). While marijuana may initially provide a feeling of euphoria and a sense of happiness, in reality continued use leads to abuse of harder drugs and can spiral into a life filled with failures, disappointments, and ruined relationships, a journey that simple starts with use of the happy herb from hell.
Statistics from recent studies reveal that 27 percent of teens misuse some drug each month. These misused drugs include marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, and methylenedioxymethamphetamine otherwise known as Ecstasy, as well as prescription and over-the-counter medicines (teenzeen.org). Drug abuse in teenagers can stunt brain development in terms of intellectual capacity, emotional stability, and social behavior. Often teenagers get into doing drugs at a young age, some even before junior high, believing that they are just doing it now, they will not do it forever, and they can stop at anytime. "I know I am addicted. I crave weed, I think about getting high all the time… I Have tried other things but I keep coming back to weed. You cannot die from weed, you cannot overdose from it. I will change sometime, but not now" (Stewart 83). Many teenagers believe what the teenager above said. They think that marijuana is just a fun drug, relieving everyday stresses. Little do teenagers realize marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco use are the leading causes of drug abuse in adulthood.
A case study was completed around the year 2000 on a 15-year-old girl. Jodi was nine years old when she used her first drug, marijuana, and by age 11 was using it regularly. Before Jodi started drugs, she was a good student who worked hard and did not get in trouble. After drugs, Jodi's concentration shifted from school to drugs. "I was missing so much that when I was there I did not know what they were talking about. My life became about getting high with the older kids." (Stewart 91). Jodi had to repeat seventh grade three times due to the amount of work and school days she missed due to her skipping school to do drugs. Marijuana was a gateway drug for Jodi, leading her to become a major drug abuser. When Jodi was 12, she was then introduced to a new drug called speed. At one point in Jodi's teenage life, she tried acid also. She swears that she is not addicted to either speed or acid, but then admits she really isn't sure. "Maybe I am, I'm not sure," she says. "But I think I could live without them. Mostly it is the weed I could nott live without. I feel different when I use drugs; things are better when I am high. I like to laugh, but I do not do that much when I am not high." (Stewart 99). Jodi admits to being addicted to marijuana, but she does not think that she has hit the point of no return yet. She thinks that it is not the drug itself that she craves, but the way it makes her feel, because it makes her feel really happy and really silly, and it gives her a "peace of mind". The truth of the matter is she is at the point of no return, because she openly admits that she cannot live without marijuana, and when someone cannot live without a toxic substance, they truly addicted. Trying to stop smoking marijuana is just as difficult, if not harder, than trying to stop smoking cigarettes, because one thing they both have in common is that they are highly addictive, and when you are addicted, it makes it extremely difficult to stop using.
Alcohol and tobacco are the most common drugs that are readily available because they are legal. Although they are illegal for young kids, it is easy to obtain them through an adult early on, which creates availability and use that leads to abuse of alcohol and tobacco products. Subsequently the start of substance abuse occurs subsequently because of peer pressure and wanting to fit in. Once kids start to abuse alcohol and tobacco, they find that the drugs seem to relieve some of the stress and pressure in their life. "In surveys, teens often report using marijuana and other drugs to not only relieve symptoms of depression, but also to 'feel good' or 'feel better,' to relieve stress and, help them cope" (Nasso 125). Even though teens believe it makes them feel better, it is actually harming them. "Weekly or more frequent use of marijuana doubles a teen's risk of depression and anxiety. Depressed teens are more than twice as likely as their peers to abuse or become dependent on marijuana" (Nasso 125). Therefore, teens should not use marijuana to relieve symptoms, as it will only make things worse for them, even if not in the present, it will have a much bigger impact on their adult life then they realize.
Smoking cigarettes is generally the first step towards drug abuse. "Teens who smoke cigarettes are 14 times likelier than those who do not to try marijuana" (Merino 117). Some studies indicate that 55 percent of teens who are current cigarette smokers report more than half of their friends use marijuana, compared to only three percent of those that have never smoked. Smoking cigarettes seems harmless to many teenagers, but from the statistics above, it is one of the most harmful things that could lead a teenager to abuse drugs. "Among teens who have tried marijuana: 57 percent smoked cigarettes first, 29 percent have not smoked cigarettes and 13 percent smoked cigarettes at about the same time or after they tried marijuana," (Merino 118). Some teenagers start substance use with alcohol and cigarettes. After that they can progress to using marijuana. Consistent use of marijuana can then propel most teens to using harder drugs and serious substance abuse such as cocaine, speed, methamphetamine, and even household cleaning products.
Certain situations can increase the desire to smoke in teenagers and also increases their desire to use illicit drugs. A lot of teenagers often feel the symptoms of depression, which is not always a bad thing. It is part of your body and mind adjusting and growing up. When you combine depression and drugs though, it does not make the feelings disappear like most teenagers think drugs do for them. Doing drugs when depressed only exacerbates their symptoms and puts them in this cloudy haze that merely delays coping with the reality of their life. "Recent studies show that marijuana and depression are a dangerous combination, using marijuana can worsen depression and lead to more serious mental health disorders like schizophrenia, anxiety and even suicide," (Nasso 125). A lot of teenagers think of marijuana as being a natural herb that is not harmful to their bodies. In reality marijuana actually contains many of the same cancer-causing chemicals found in tobacco. "Puff for puff, the amount of tar inhaled and the level of carbon monoxide absorbed by those who smoke marijuana, regardless of the THC content are three to five times greater than among tobacco smokers." (Merino 63).
What sets marijuana apart from cigarettes and makes it even more dangerous is the tetrahydracannabinol (THC) it contains and how it affects the brain. While drug abuse can definitely affect your body emotionally, it affects it physically as well. Unlike most of the other tissues in your body, tissues in the brain cannot regenerate themselves. Most people know that using marijuana kills brain cells, but when you take a deeper look into it, it is so much more complex and dangerous than just killing brain cells. When teenagers use marijuana, chemicals travel through the bloodstream and quickly attach to nerve receptors in the brain. The main ingredient in marijuana is THC, and when it is smoked the THC attaches itself to the THC receptors in the brain. The hippocampus controls memory, emotions, and balance. The hippocampus is also the part of the brain that has the most THC receptors. It communicates with other brain regions that process new information into long-term memory. In a brain under the influence of marijuana, new information may never register and may be lost from memory. "The National Institutes of Health regards drug addiction as a disease of the brain. As the abuser takes more and more drugs, the way the brain works will change. Its functions have become abnormal," (Marcovitz 32). Unfortunately, drug use does not only affect the brain, it affects the entire body. The body changes over time, and most illicit drugs contain ingredients that affect all other parts of the body, in both the long term and short term. Drug use speeds up your heart rate to 160 beats per minute, the normal heart rate is 80 to 90 beats per minute. It dilates the blood vessels in the whites of the eyes and tints them red, it creates feelings of panic accompanied by sweating, dry mouth, and trouble breathing. Daily cough and more frequent chest colds are also more common in those who abuse drugs. "Brain imaging studies performed on long-term drug abusers show that, in many cases, the brain has actually undergone physical changes. After years of drug abuse, the parts of the brain that control judgment, decision making, learning, memory, and behavioral control have show deterioration," (Marcovitz 32).
Most teenagers that are against drug use, living above the influence, only have the research side of their arguments against drug use, they do not have actual personal experience with it, which, in my opinion is the reason why most other teenagers do not take seriously how drugs are so toxic to your body. I have always been against drug use, but it was not until this past Summer of 2010 that I truly realized the impact of being under the influence of something. I had knee surgery and my doctor prescribed me the narcotic Vicodin, which is an opiate, to help with the pain after I went home. If you asked me what happened the week after my surgery, I would not be able to tell you a single thing that happened. All I remember was feeling like I did not have control of my body or my emotions, and to be honest, it was the worst feeling I could have ever felt. I was legally high. I kept a journal before and after surgery, and my entry of the day after my surgery, May 5th, tells it all. "Today was a blur. Too much drugs…" (Personal Journal Marla Harris). Yes, it is true that when you are high reality just seems so far away, and you just feel happy, but when I was on those pain relievers they never really took all the pain away, and it made me feel depressed and hopeless. Another entry just a week later reveals how consuming the feelings are, how everything seems to be magnified. "This pain just does not leave me; it consumes me, physically and mentally. I cannot escape it, I cannot hide from it, I cannot run from it. It traps me. You think it is starting to get better because you feel like you have so much more energy, and it does not really bother you like it had been, but it is only deceiving you because then it hits you again, harder than before even, and you come crashing down, and all the tears along with you," (Personal Journal Marla Harris). I cannot even imagine how teenagers enjoy being high, how all they care about is being high. It is ridiculous. "Those addicted to marijuana, after an early feeling of exhilaration, soon lose all restraints, all inhibitions," (Marcovitz 15). When they wore off, I was right back to where I was before I took them, nothing was fixed, nothing felt better, and I was just in the same painful, miserable state that I was in before I took them.
Drug abuse also affects personal relationships, much more than people would think. It creates this constant battle between two people, and eventually they want to quit using for someone else. Unfortunately, they cannot quit for someone else, you cannot make someone do something they do not want to do, they have to want to do it themselves. They must quit for them and no one else. This has been evident in one of my personal relationships, a long-time friend, James. It is hard to see someone whom you care about completely throw their life away at such a young age. James agreed to an interview. I know that he has done drugs since he was 13, he will be 16 this year 2011. He started with alcohol and tobacco and then from there he moved to marijuana and he finally progressed to trying hard drugs like crack cocaine and Ecstasy. I asked him if he had ever done anything while he was under the influence that he would not normally do, that he regretted. "I have been arrested for being under the influence and disturbance, and carrying a knife that I regret. I may be addicted to marijuana, but in my mind that is not that important," (James Interview May 5 2011). James, as well as Jodi from the case study earlier, does not believe that smoking marijuana is dangerous. He says the same thing, that he will probably quit eventually, but not now. "I have quit everything except marijuana. In my mind marijuana is not a drug. It's just as bad as smoking except when u smoke cigarettes you do not have the side effect of loosing brain cells, you lose your life," (James Interview May 5 2011). He skips school all the time because he thinks he just is not smart enough, when in reality it is because he is addicted to drugs. This is an example of another woefully misguided teenager in denial.
A huge problem with teenagers is they believe they are invincible. They do not have a realistic sense of their own limitations and mortality. Granted, generally nobody dies from a marijuana overdose, but it starts there and leads to harder drug abuse, and finally addiction. The combined side effects of drug abuse including, emotional, physically, mental, and social can lead to an adult life of depression, psychosis and repeated failure in school, jobs, and relationships. "If we can get a child to 20 without using marijuana, there is a 98 percent chance that the child will never become addicted to any drug. While it may come across as an overemphasis on marijuana, you do not wake up when you are 25 and say, 'I want to slam meth!'" (Marcovitz 30). While marijuana may initially provide a feeling of euphoria and a sense of happiness, in reality continued use leads to abuse of harder drugs and can spiral into a life filled with failures, disappointments, and ruined relationships, a journey that simple starts with use of the happy herb from hell.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Mean
I've been listening to this song like all day long, I love it so much!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTfbh3aeo9s
You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man
Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know
Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again
I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know
Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean
But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
Someday, I'll be, living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTfbh3aeo9s
You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man
Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know
Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again
I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know
Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean
But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
Someday, I'll be, living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
Save Me
I wrote this poem when everything with my health was starting, and I didn't really know what else to do. I remember debating if I was actually going to read it in front of my creative writing class, I don't like being in front of people, but I decided at the last minute to pu tmy name on the board to read my poem at our like, poetry slam thing. When I was done reading it, I got apluse and stuff, and I heard someone say "that was deep", I took it as a good thing, LOL. This poem is when I really started to write about my own personal experiences.
Puzzle pieces scatteredon the floor
Just waiting to be something more
Struggling to find the perfect fit
But everything just seems to miss
I sit here alone and cold
Just wanting help with this disaster
I wanna scream, I wanna shout
All I wanna do is let it all out
Frustration sets in; nothing takes this pain away
Giving up is all that's on my mind
Maybe it would be easier if I surrender to the pain
It'll just consume me more and more each day
Till all that's left are only memories of the spirit I used to be
I know life isn't a fairytale
Nothing ever goes the way you wanted
I wish I had a genie in a bottle, a magic lamp, a prince to come on his whie stalion and save me
I wish I had a flying carpet to save me
Take me to a kingdom far far away
And live happily ever after
I want a fairytale, I want my fairytale
I just want a happy ending to this never ending misery
So, I cry
I cry for pain
I cry for longing
I cry for hoping
I cry for loss
I cry for the friends that come and go
I cry for the love that never was
I cry because this is how I let it show
This, this is how I let you know
If I'm not dead than this must only make me stronger
If I'm not broken then I must be unbreakable
When I cry I know there's still something left of me
And over time these tears will disapear
Stains on my cheeks will fade away
Someday I wil lbe whole again
The pieces to my puzzle will be put back together
I'll be a masterpiece for you to marvel at
Someday I'll cry for joy
I'll cry for happienes and painless nights
I'll cry for all the wrong made right
Because soemday I'll win my fight
Puzzle pieces scatteredon the floor
Just waiting to be something more
Struggling to find the perfect fit
But everything just seems to miss
I sit here alone and cold
Just wanting help with this disaster
I wanna scream, I wanna shout
All I wanna do is let it all out
Frustration sets in; nothing takes this pain away
Giving up is all that's on my mind
Maybe it would be easier if I surrender to the pain
It'll just consume me more and more each day
Till all that's left are only memories of the spirit I used to be
I know life isn't a fairytale
Nothing ever goes the way you wanted
I wish I had a genie in a bottle, a magic lamp, a prince to come on his whie stalion and save me
I wish I had a flying carpet to save me
Take me to a kingdom far far away
And live happily ever after
I want a fairytale, I want my fairytale
I just want a happy ending to this never ending misery
So, I cry
I cry for pain
I cry for longing
I cry for hoping
I cry for loss
I cry for the friends that come and go
I cry for the love that never was
I cry because this is how I let it show
This, this is how I let you know
If I'm not dead than this must only make me stronger
If I'm not broken then I must be unbreakable
When I cry I know there's still something left of me
And over time these tears will disapear
Stains on my cheeks will fade away
Someday I wil lbe whole again
The pieces to my puzzle will be put back together
I'll be a masterpiece for you to marvel at
Someday I'll cry for joy
I'll cry for happienes and painless nights
I'll cry for all the wrong made right
Because soemday I'll win my fight
Monday, May 9, 2011
Swifty
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I'm just doing my homework and listening to Taylor Swift. I really love Taylor Swift♥ I know that most people can relate to her, because in her music, she writes about the things she has experienced in her own life. Of course I can relate to them too, like, everyone of her songs is rateable in some form or fashion. When I started writing poems, I was always unsure of what I was writing because I didn't know if it was too personal, or something like that, and I read Taylor Swifts lyrics, not just listened to the song, but actually physically read her lyrics and I realized that she isn't afraid to write about her personal experiences, and people love her for that because it is so personal, and so many more people can relate. So, I figured that if Taylor Swift can write like that, then so can I and not be afraid I'm writing things to personal. People like to feel emotions when they read something, if you make someone feel angry or sad or happy, or you make them cry then you know you've written something good. If I could have one wish, I would totally wish to meet Taylor Swift, she's just he most beautiful person inside and out, and she's an amazing song writer/musician. Gahh, I could talk about Taylor Swift all day, yepp, I'm definitely a "swifty" and a proud one at that. She (and my Grandma Irene, rest in peace♥) are two of the that people that truely inspire me. Aha, okay, that's all. (=
You'll Never Know
I wrote this poem when I first got sick. I was having so much pain, I was taking so many different drugs and I just didn't feel like myself. No one would ever know that I was sick or in pain, and for people that didn't know me really well they wouldn't think that I wasn't myself.
Truthfully I believe I'm far from ordinary
Truthfully I believe that I'm something special
And I can't see what this silence brings
What, what does it bring to me
Oh, how can I not see
Truthfully I believe nothing is ever as it seems
Truthfully I believe that I'm not what you think
And I can't see through all of this darkness
Oh, I want to run away, because I never wanted to stay
I'm hiding my reasons
Over and over again, through all the seasons
I lie to you
Because I cannot stand the truth
Oh, I like to be deceiving
Fighting from deep within
You've got a hold of me
You're taking over
And I don't want to be this way anymore
Truthfully I thought I had things all figured out
Truthfully I thought I had the perfect plan
Oh, I need to see because not knowing is killing me
But the dark's deceiving
The medicine's making me someone I'm not used to being
I'm hiding all my reasons
Over and over again
Through all the seasons
I lie to you
Because I cannot stand the truth
Oh, I like to be deceiving
I want to keep my heart beating
I can't fathom the way this could go down
Down, down, down to the ground
Just keep me alive and breathing
And all these nights
They've kept me away for so long
From everything I hate
I'm so alone
But you would never know it
I don't let it showAnd you will never know it
I just lay low
So that you'll never know
Just let me walk away
Don't make this more than I can take
I'm slipping through the cracks of your fingers now
I'm falling faster than you can catch me
I'm out of reach
But I'm reading out to you
I'm gone without a sound
Oh, but you'll never know
Truthfully I believe I'm far from ordinary
Truthfully I believe that I'm something special
And I can't see what this silence brings
What, what does it bring to me
Oh, how can I not see
Truthfully I believe nothing is ever as it seems
Truthfully I believe that I'm not what you think
And I can't see through all of this darkness
Oh, I want to run away, because I never wanted to stay
I'm hiding my reasons
Over and over again, through all the seasons
I lie to you
Because I cannot stand the truth
Oh, I like to be deceiving
Fighting from deep within
You've got a hold of me
You're taking over
And I don't want to be this way anymore
Truthfully I thought I had things all figured out
Truthfully I thought I had the perfect plan
Oh, I need to see because not knowing is killing me
But the dark's deceiving
The medicine's making me someone I'm not used to being
I'm hiding all my reasons
Over and over again
Through all the seasons
I lie to you
Because I cannot stand the truth
Oh, I like to be deceiving
I want to keep my heart beating
I can't fathom the way this could go down
Down, down, down to the ground
Just keep me alive and breathing
And all these nights
They've kept me away for so long
From everything I hate
I'm so alone
But you would never know it
I don't let it showAnd you will never know it
I just lay low
So that you'll never know
Just let me walk away
Don't make this more than I can take
I'm slipping through the cracks of your fingers now
I'm falling faster than you can catch me
I'm out of reach
But I'm reading out to you
I'm gone without a sound
Oh, but you'll never know
Progress
I had occupational therapy this morning, my range of motion is a lot better than it was a few months ago, and my grip strength is significantly better too. To fully understand the medical issues I have, you have to go back to September of 2010. I had my knee surgery for an osteochondral lesion, it was all fixed and I thought I was out of the woods, that I would be fine. The third week of school I got this sharp shooting, stabbing, burning pain up my arms. Making a really long story somewhat short here, I started having trouble writing, and I had to drop classes in school. I started falling behind, and eventually I came home to be home bound tutored like I was for the last month of my sophomore year in high school because of my knee surgery. I've been to so many doctors, and specialists, and pain management doctors, and no one has been able to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Things are a lot better now all the way around but, if I don't take my medicine I feel like I did when everything first started, which makes me believe that there's something else going on. I don't really know, I may not ever really know. In the process of getting sick, and being sick, and not being at school I feel like I've lost all my friends. I feel like I'm not even an after thought anymore, I'm just forgotten all together, and I know I'm not alone through all of this but, sometimes it really feels like I am. I can't even talk to any of my "friends" about any of this stuff I'm dealing with, at least I don't feel like I can, because no one really understands, no one but me. I've had to grow up so fast, and I was already mature for my age before. I have 70 year old woman health problems, a 20 something year old mind and attitude, and I'm stuck in this 17 year old body. I just want to grow up and be done with all of this crap. I know a lot of teenagers say that, and I think it's just because they want to be treated like an adult, even though they still act like little babies when it comes to life and dealing with things. Anyways...I'm going to have to change all my doctors once I turn 18 in July, because I have all pediatric doctors now. My mom said that, we're just going to start over, get second opinions, and go to an even better well-known hospital. Maybe this time around someone, somewhere will be able to come even a little bit closer to an actual diagnosis, maybe not though. Maybe the third time around will be the charm, I have no clue, all I know is I don't want to wait that long to figure things out. I want answer like, now, please and thank you very much. I hope I continue my progress in occupational therapy, because all I want is so feel better, and have no pain at all. I feel so weird when I say or think those words. I'm too young to be in so much pain. When people ask me what's wrong, I usually don't say that anything is, I say that I'm great, because it's easier to pretend like everything is okay than to try and explain all my business to someone that probably doesn't even care. Most of the time I just wonder when everything stopped making sense, because nothing really makes much sense to me anymore. I'm just trying to go with the flow.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Inspiration
I wrote this poem with my Grandma Irene in mind. The angels led her in when I was 11 years old, I miss her everyday and I know my mom does too. Here's a Happy Mothers Day to you Grandma, because I know you're always watching over me. Rest In Peace, I love you♥
She was classy and elegant
Her make was always on
And her hair never went undone
Her curly locks were like sunshine on a bright summer day
Her eyes were blue like sparkling sapphires
Truly a stunning sight to see
She had talents in everything she did
An amazing seamstress, she could have been the next Coco Chanel
She was everything a little girl could ask for
Her kitchen always smelled of something sweet
And on her T.V. you could always hear the sounds of JAG and Law & Order
When I close my eyes I can still picture her on her back porch, looking out into the yard, cigarette in hand
Our memories are priceless and even though she's in a better place
She'll always be my inspiration
And now my mother fills her shoes
I know she they fit just perfectly
Both amazing people
Cut from the same swatch of fabric
And someday I'll fill those same shoes
I just hope I can be an inspiration too
She was classy and elegant
Her make was always on
And her hair never went undone
Her curly locks were like sunshine on a bright summer day
Her eyes were blue like sparkling sapphires
Truly a stunning sight to see
She had talents in everything she did
An amazing seamstress, she could have been the next Coco Chanel
She was everything a little girl could ask for
Her kitchen always smelled of something sweet
And on her T.V. you could always hear the sounds of JAG and Law & Order
When I close my eyes I can still picture her on her back porch, looking out into the yard, cigarette in hand
Our memories are priceless and even though she's in a better place
She'll always be my inspiration
And now my mother fills her shoes
I know she they fit just perfectly
Both amazing people
Cut from the same swatch of fabric
And someday I'll fill those same shoes
I just hope I can be an inspiration too
Mothers Day
Today is seriously one of my favorite holidays! I get absolutely nothing out of mothers day, and to be quite honest that's one of the reasons why I love it so much. My mom is the most important woman in my life, and she will always be the most important woman. She has done so much for me, and she continues to do so much for me everyday. I know I might not always listen very well the first time and I don't always do what she tells me. I know I don't always show her how much I really do appreciate her, but I do, so much. I can't explain in words how much I love her. I can't even imagine what my life would be like without her, I can't even stand the thought of it. She has always stood up for me and defended me. She has always been by my side when I needed her, and evern when I thought I didn't need her, she was there anyways. Especially this past year, and dealing with so many different issues, issues that I'm still dealing with and trying to figure out how to handle. I've spilled my soul to her countless times, I've cried to her so many times, and she just holds me and tells me that I will be okay, that everything will be okay. I don't know what it is about mothers, but you always believe them, well, at least I do. My mom seems to always have an answer and solution to everything, to every problem I come to her with. I love mothers day because it makes me feel like I can some what repay her for all she has done and all she has sacrificed for me in the18 years I've been alive. I love her with all of my heart, and soul, and whatever else I have in me. I only hope that when I become a mother I can live up to these high standards that she has set, I hope I can be the kind of mother she has been for my future daughter. She's my mom, but she's my best friend too because out of everyone that says they will always be there for you, and everyone that says they love you no matter what my mom is the only person that actually means it, and I know that she will always mean it no matter what. I know so many people, girls, that don't have the greatest relationship with their mom, and I thank God every single day that I do have such am awesome relationship with her. Who needs boyfriends and best friends who always let you down when you have such an amazing mommy? I don't nee them, because I do have such an amazing mommy. Happy Mothers Day Mom, you're everything I could ever ask for in a mom, don't think for one second that you have ever failed me, or let me down, because you never have and you never will. You are perfect in my eyes and I love you always and forever♥
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Caligraphy
I'm learning to fall
I'm learning that sometimes you have to lose it all
Sometimes you have to stop and breathe
I'm ready to crawl
I'm learning to walk again
Standing on my own two feet
Ready to jump into the deep
Everything happens for a reason
And I've never stopped believing
But I was silent
Instead of speaking out
I stayed knocked down
Instead of getting back up
I'm forever changed
I'm almost someone else other than myself
As I sit in my room staring at the wall
Contemplating the meaning of it all
My life is like a revolving door
That won't slow down
Forever more
As the seasons change
And days pass
Time never stops
So just keep moving on
And through it all
It feel like I've lost it all
Like I was suffocating without a sound
In the middle of it all
Trying to stand up when it seemed I just kept falling down
Oh, now I'm here to say
I never want to go back to that place
Where I always felt like I was in last place
With no prize in sight
I just never felt right
I always wanted to give up my fight
Because there was no hope in sight
I learned you have to fall, to stand back up again
I lost it all
But I'll stop and breathe
This, right here is what I'm meant to be
Oh, this pen and paper is everything to me
Without it, I don't know what I'd be
I'm learning that sometimes you have to lose it all
Sometimes you have to stop and breathe
I'm ready to crawl
I'm learning to walk again
Standing on my own two feet
Ready to jump into the deep
Everything happens for a reason
And I've never stopped believing
But I was silent
Instead of speaking out
I stayed knocked down
Instead of getting back up
I'm forever changed
I'm almost someone else other than myself
As I sit in my room staring at the wall
Contemplating the meaning of it all
My life is like a revolving door
That won't slow down
Forever more
As the seasons change
And days pass
Time never stops
So just keep moving on
And through it all
It feel like I've lost it all
Like I was suffocating without a sound
In the middle of it all
Trying to stand up when it seemed I just kept falling down
Oh, now I'm here to say
I never want to go back to that place
Where I always felt like I was in last place
With no prize in sight
I just never felt right
I always wanted to give up my fight
Because there was no hope in sight
I learned you have to fall, to stand back up again
I lost it all
But I'll stop and breathe
This, right here is what I'm meant to be
Oh, this pen and paper is everything to me
Without it, I don't know what I'd be
Life Decided for Me
This is my personal essay I wrote for creative writing last year, and it's also what I won 1st place for in the Southwest Prarie Confrence Literary Festival.
During the middle of the night, I woke up, and I couldn’t stop tossing and turning and nothing seemed to help. My eyes were open, but all I could see was darkness. I had all these different scenarios of how before, during, and after surgery was going to go the next day. Trying to imagine the people and how the room would look, so that maybe all that was happening wouldn’t seem so scary. For me, not knowing was just as nerve wracking as knowing.
I woke up at 10 o'clock in the morning, my surgery was scheduled for 1 p.m. on May 4, and I needed to be there an hour early at 12 in the afternoon for pre-operative paperwork. I felt really nervous and scared, because I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't really sure of anything in that moment. When I got to the surgery center, I was really cold and I was shaking. Goose bumps were running up and down my arms. Even though it wasn’t a hospital, it smelled and felt like one. They took my weight and vitals, and then they gave me a gown to put on and some anti slip socks. I put all my belongings in this huge plastic bag, and they put it away until I was ready to go home. The nurse who put in my IV was really nice, she made me feel at ease. She talked to me about myself and how I was feeling beside the surgery and that distracted me from thinking about where I was. After the anesthesiologist and another nurse came in to talk to me and my parents, I just sat there waiting for the doctor. I felt like I was waiting forever. When he finally came he was dressed in scrubs along with his surgical nurse. I specifically remember her; she had on scrubs that were bright yellow with Tweety Bird on them. I remember her because she was one of the few people that made me smile that day. They took me to the O.R. and the last thing I remember was breathing into the little plastic mask.
I woke up and I wasn't quite sure where I was. Once I was a little more awake, I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. It felt like someone was stabbing at my knee and trying to rip it off. I started crying and trying to move my leg. It was like I could feel the pain, but I couldn’t really feel my leg. Almost like I wasn’t in control of my body and couldn’t move. The nurse gave me a shot in my side to help with the pain. I remember her telling me that it was going to hurt, but I didn’t feel it at all. After I got the shot, it was like the pain disappeared. I was like a miracle drug. A few hours later the nurse had me sit up in a chair. My knee was all wrapped in bandages and I could barely move it. I had never felt so tired in my life, my throat was sore from the tube and my knee was still throbbing. At four in the afternoon it was time for me to go home. I had my crutches but I was too tired to use them. I sat in the wheel chair and they wheeled me out to the car. Once I was in the back seat lying down, my mom got back there with me and we left. There was a lot of construction on the roads so it was bumpy, stop and go traffic for the entire 30-minute ride home. Every time we hit a bump it hurt. I cried almost the whole way home. I got home and I just laid on the couch, I couldn’t lie in my bed because I couldn’t lie on my side like I usually do. It just hurt too much. So I had to lie on my back, I could elevate my leg on the couch, so the couch served as my bed for a while.
I couldn’t put any weight on my leg for six weeks and it felt like the six weeks would never end. You always hear that you find out who your friends are when you go through hard times, and that really is so true. I found out all the people I thought were my friends really weren’t. The people that said they would be there for me and would come and see me just seemed to disappear. I know that people will always let you down and you always hope that they won’t, but you never think they’ll be so cold and distant. I felt like when I needed a friend the most, I had none, and I felt really alone. A lot of the time I felt like I just wasn’t important enough to have someone care. There was a constant thought running through my mind all the time, why? I was thinking what did I do to deserve this kind of treatment from “friends”? I can’t control my life and what happens in it, and if I could control it I certainly wouldn’t ask for this to happen. I don’t feel like I can share things with them anymore, because it's just not the same and I don't think it ever will be.
Aside from the friendship issues I was going through, there was the issue of all the chores I usually did. Now my mom was doing all of them on top of taking care of me and the rest of my family and working. After a while I really saw how all the things I do around the house effect my whole family, even the little things that don’t seem to matter. I felt so bad, because I saw how hard doing everything around the house without my help was on my mom and dad, and I wished I had been better about it before. I never thought I’d miss being able to clean and do laundry so much but I really did. Once I was able to get around better I tried to do the chores I was supposed to be doing before to help out more, but I would just get discouraged because I couldn’t do anything with crutches under my arms 24/7.
One day I had one of those “aha” moments. After not being able to help and do chores for my mom and being kind of selfish and oblivious to what was going on around me, I realized that before my surgery I really took everything for granted. I never gave a second thought to much of anything: Sports, friends, family, chores and priorities. And when I couldn’t do anything at all and all my plans had changed, I really saw how much I should think about the decisions I make and the actions I take and that I should appreciate them more. I had to change my plan. I was always active and I never had to worry about not being healthy. I loved playing soccer, I played when I was younger and I played my freshman year, I planned on playing all the way through high school and maybe even college, and now I couldn’t play at all. Everything changed in the blink of an eye, and I just wanted to go back to when my life didn’t seem so complicated. I went from being really active and running around all the time to absolutely nothing at all. I gained weight. That was another battle I faced. I was so used to being skinny and confident, but then none of my clothes fit at all and I felt like I lost all my confidence. That was when I had another “aha” moment. Before, I thought I could always look better. I always thought, “I could lose 10 or 20 pounds”, but compared to now I really didn’t need to change anything about my body. I was perfectly fine how I was, and I think I was the only person who couldn’t see that. So, even though I’m not how I used to be and I know I wont be for a while, I just have to be content with how I am even when I want to change.
I really didn't know what I had until it was gone. This surgery changed my life forever, all the way around. The way I view values, work, people and friendship. I learned to appreciate everything I am able to do and the things I do have, I don’t complain about nearly half as much as I did before, because I know that my situation can always be a lot worse. Through all this I tried to keep a positive attitude. Sometimes I had to fight really hard to not be negative, but if I would have given in and just had a screw the world, screw my life kind of attitude I don’t think I would have pulled through as well as I did. I missed the last month of school and my summer was pretty much shot. All I did was go to physical therapy and do the make up work for school. And I’m not perfect, just because I try to be positive doesn’t mean I always am. There were plenty of times where I just felt like giving up. But, all this has made me stronger. The way I think about it now is that you can’t expect life to always be okay and always change for the better, because sometimes, and a lot of the times, things go wrong and you just have to deal with them. You can’t blame things for what happens; you just go with the flow. I think we should be like butterflies, they’re metamorphic. They change completely into something new. I want to be ready to fly wherever life’s wind takes me and be okay with it. Even If I’m not okay with it at first I’ll learn to be okay with it in the end.
There isn’t any way possible for someone to understand all of this experience, no way to be able to relate unless they’ve been through something similar themselves and even then, it’s not the same for anyone. I’m far from the end of this road; I still have a long way to travel on it. My journey has been really rough and hard, but I’ve come out of it with a lot more of something good to show. I never thought I’d get so much good of something that seemed so bad. Part of me wanted to let this all out, but part of me didn’t because it is so personal. When I write these things and think about everything that occurred it makes me smile and cry at the same time. I smile because I’ve come so far and I cry for things I’ve lost. Sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s only been four months because it seems like it’s been forever. Sometimes if I close my eyes it still feels like I’m right back to where I was in June, and I don't think I would consider that a bad thing because I am constantly reminded of how far I've come. Not just physically but mentally too. It reminds me to stay that way and to keep moving forward.
This surgery has made my future plans crystal clear, too. Before I wasn't really sure of what I wanted to do with my life, I was constantly changing my mind. I have always been drawn to medicine but my math isn't the greatest so it always held me back because I thought I wouldn't be able to get through what I needed to be in the medicine field. I'm a lot more confident now and I'm sure that I can do whatever I want. If I can work hard to be where I am today then I can work just as hard to get where I want to be for my future.
During the middle of the night, I woke up, and I couldn’t stop tossing and turning and nothing seemed to help. My eyes were open, but all I could see was darkness. I had all these different scenarios of how before, during, and after surgery was going to go the next day. Trying to imagine the people and how the room would look, so that maybe all that was happening wouldn’t seem so scary. For me, not knowing was just as nerve wracking as knowing.
I woke up at 10 o'clock in the morning, my surgery was scheduled for 1 p.m. on May 4, and I needed to be there an hour early at 12 in the afternoon for pre-operative paperwork. I felt really nervous and scared, because I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't really sure of anything in that moment. When I got to the surgery center, I was really cold and I was shaking. Goose bumps were running up and down my arms. Even though it wasn’t a hospital, it smelled and felt like one. They took my weight and vitals, and then they gave me a gown to put on and some anti slip socks. I put all my belongings in this huge plastic bag, and they put it away until I was ready to go home. The nurse who put in my IV was really nice, she made me feel at ease. She talked to me about myself and how I was feeling beside the surgery and that distracted me from thinking about where I was. After the anesthesiologist and another nurse came in to talk to me and my parents, I just sat there waiting for the doctor. I felt like I was waiting forever. When he finally came he was dressed in scrubs along with his surgical nurse. I specifically remember her; she had on scrubs that were bright yellow with Tweety Bird on them. I remember her because she was one of the few people that made me smile that day. They took me to the O.R. and the last thing I remember was breathing into the little plastic mask.
I woke up and I wasn't quite sure where I was. Once I was a little more awake, I felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. It felt like someone was stabbing at my knee and trying to rip it off. I started crying and trying to move my leg. It was like I could feel the pain, but I couldn’t really feel my leg. Almost like I wasn’t in control of my body and couldn’t move. The nurse gave me a shot in my side to help with the pain. I remember her telling me that it was going to hurt, but I didn’t feel it at all. After I got the shot, it was like the pain disappeared. I was like a miracle drug. A few hours later the nurse had me sit up in a chair. My knee was all wrapped in bandages and I could barely move it. I had never felt so tired in my life, my throat was sore from the tube and my knee was still throbbing. At four in the afternoon it was time for me to go home. I had my crutches but I was too tired to use them. I sat in the wheel chair and they wheeled me out to the car. Once I was in the back seat lying down, my mom got back there with me and we left. There was a lot of construction on the roads so it was bumpy, stop and go traffic for the entire 30-minute ride home. Every time we hit a bump it hurt. I cried almost the whole way home. I got home and I just laid on the couch, I couldn’t lie in my bed because I couldn’t lie on my side like I usually do. It just hurt too much. So I had to lie on my back, I could elevate my leg on the couch, so the couch served as my bed for a while.
I couldn’t put any weight on my leg for six weeks and it felt like the six weeks would never end. You always hear that you find out who your friends are when you go through hard times, and that really is so true. I found out all the people I thought were my friends really weren’t. The people that said they would be there for me and would come and see me just seemed to disappear. I know that people will always let you down and you always hope that they won’t, but you never think they’ll be so cold and distant. I felt like when I needed a friend the most, I had none, and I felt really alone. A lot of the time I felt like I just wasn’t important enough to have someone care. There was a constant thought running through my mind all the time, why? I was thinking what did I do to deserve this kind of treatment from “friends”? I can’t control my life and what happens in it, and if I could control it I certainly wouldn’t ask for this to happen. I don’t feel like I can share things with them anymore, because it's just not the same and I don't think it ever will be.
Aside from the friendship issues I was going through, there was the issue of all the chores I usually did. Now my mom was doing all of them on top of taking care of me and the rest of my family and working. After a while I really saw how all the things I do around the house effect my whole family, even the little things that don’t seem to matter. I felt so bad, because I saw how hard doing everything around the house without my help was on my mom and dad, and I wished I had been better about it before. I never thought I’d miss being able to clean and do laundry so much but I really did. Once I was able to get around better I tried to do the chores I was supposed to be doing before to help out more, but I would just get discouraged because I couldn’t do anything with crutches under my arms 24/7.
One day I had one of those “aha” moments. After not being able to help and do chores for my mom and being kind of selfish and oblivious to what was going on around me, I realized that before my surgery I really took everything for granted. I never gave a second thought to much of anything: Sports, friends, family, chores and priorities. And when I couldn’t do anything at all and all my plans had changed, I really saw how much I should think about the decisions I make and the actions I take and that I should appreciate them more. I had to change my plan. I was always active and I never had to worry about not being healthy. I loved playing soccer, I played when I was younger and I played my freshman year, I planned on playing all the way through high school and maybe even college, and now I couldn’t play at all. Everything changed in the blink of an eye, and I just wanted to go back to when my life didn’t seem so complicated. I went from being really active and running around all the time to absolutely nothing at all. I gained weight. That was another battle I faced. I was so used to being skinny and confident, but then none of my clothes fit at all and I felt like I lost all my confidence. That was when I had another “aha” moment. Before, I thought I could always look better. I always thought, “I could lose 10 or 20 pounds”, but compared to now I really didn’t need to change anything about my body. I was perfectly fine how I was, and I think I was the only person who couldn’t see that. So, even though I’m not how I used to be and I know I wont be for a while, I just have to be content with how I am even when I want to change.
I really didn't know what I had until it was gone. This surgery changed my life forever, all the way around. The way I view values, work, people and friendship. I learned to appreciate everything I am able to do and the things I do have, I don’t complain about nearly half as much as I did before, because I know that my situation can always be a lot worse. Through all this I tried to keep a positive attitude. Sometimes I had to fight really hard to not be negative, but if I would have given in and just had a screw the world, screw my life kind of attitude I don’t think I would have pulled through as well as I did. I missed the last month of school and my summer was pretty much shot. All I did was go to physical therapy and do the make up work for school. And I’m not perfect, just because I try to be positive doesn’t mean I always am. There were plenty of times where I just felt like giving up. But, all this has made me stronger. The way I think about it now is that you can’t expect life to always be okay and always change for the better, because sometimes, and a lot of the times, things go wrong and you just have to deal with them. You can’t blame things for what happens; you just go with the flow. I think we should be like butterflies, they’re metamorphic. They change completely into something new. I want to be ready to fly wherever life’s wind takes me and be okay with it. Even If I’m not okay with it at first I’ll learn to be okay with it in the end.
There isn’t any way possible for someone to understand all of this experience, no way to be able to relate unless they’ve been through something similar themselves and even then, it’s not the same for anyone. I’m far from the end of this road; I still have a long way to travel on it. My journey has been really rough and hard, but I’ve come out of it with a lot more of something good to show. I never thought I’d get so much good of something that seemed so bad. Part of me wanted to let this all out, but part of me didn’t because it is so personal. When I write these things and think about everything that occurred it makes me smile and cry at the same time. I smile because I’ve come so far and I cry for things I’ve lost. Sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s only been four months because it seems like it’s been forever. Sometimes if I close my eyes it still feels like I’m right back to where I was in June, and I don't think I would consider that a bad thing because I am constantly reminded of how far I've come. Not just physically but mentally too. It reminds me to stay that way and to keep moving forward.
This surgery has made my future plans crystal clear, too. Before I wasn't really sure of what I wanted to do with my life, I was constantly changing my mind. I have always been drawn to medicine but my math isn't the greatest so it always held me back because I thought I wouldn't be able to get through what I needed to be in the medicine field. I'm a lot more confident now and I'm sure that I can do whatever I want. If I can work hard to be where I am today then I can work just as hard to get where I want to be for my future.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Just Breathe
This is the first Poem I ever wrote, also the one that's published in the anthology. Enjoy (:
For the ones that have lost their hope
The ones that have nothing to hold on to
For the ones that want to give up
The ones that are holding their last breath
Just breathe
For the girl tat feels invisible
And the boy who sometimes wishes he was
For the mother that's lost her love
And the man who just can't find his
Just breathe
For the ones that dare to dream
And the ones still searching for theirs
For the lonely man that roams the streets
And the girl with no place to call home
Just breathe
For every suicidal thought
And disturbing dark desire
Just breathe
When you feel like you just can't go anymore
And you can't make it through the night
Hold your head up high
Pretend you can touch the sky
And just breathe
There is no right or wrong
Because everyone sings their own song
You can spread your wings and fly
You don't have to have a reason why
No matter what you do
You can always make it through
When you just breathe
For the ones that have lost their hope
The ones that have nothing to hold on to
For the ones that want to give up
The ones that are holding their last breath
Just breathe
For the girl tat feels invisible
And the boy who sometimes wishes he was
For the mother that's lost her love
And the man who just can't find his
Just breathe
For the ones that dare to dream
And the ones still searching for theirs
For the lonely man that roams the streets
And the girl with no place to call home
Just breathe
For every suicidal thought
And disturbing dark desire
Just breathe
When you feel like you just can't go anymore
And you can't make it through the night
Hold your head up high
Pretend you can touch the sky
And just breathe
There is no right or wrong
Because everyone sings their own song
You can spread your wings and fly
You don't have to have a reason why
No matter what you do
You can always make it through
When you just breathe
Hello, my name is Marla.
I've never written a blog before, I've always wanted one, but I've never really had a reason or any clue of what I would write about. I've always love writing and english class, it always seemed to come kind of naturally to me. I wouldn't say though that I was always passionate about writing. Throughout the past year I've had a lot of medical problems, I've been in a lot of physical pain, and at first I didn't really have a way to express what I was feeling. The begining of this year, my junior year in high school I took a creative writing class, the first section we did was poetry. I though it would be so hard, and I wouldn't be able to write anything good. I suprised myself though, because the first poem I wrote was really good, and it was so effortless. I wrote it in litteraly 5 minutes, and eventually I was chosen to be published in A Celebration of Poets, Illinois grades 4-12, Fall 2010. The poem is titles wrong, which really pissed me off, but, hey, I'm a published author at 17 and that's pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself. Eventually my medical issues got really bad and I've been homebound since September of 2010, but I continued to write all the time. While I was out I got an e-mail from my creative writing teacher, and he wanted a copy of my personal essay I wrote for class so he could enter it into the literary festival. Of course I was thrilled to give it to him, but to be honest I didn't think I wouldwin anything or even place. A few weeks later my councelor told me my story got 1st place in the Southwest Prarie Confrence Literary Festival 2011. I was so speachles. My story was about what I went through with my knee surgery that I had at the end of my sophomore year, it was 6 pages, and I was completly honest with everything when I wrote it. I never thought that people would like reading about all of that, but obviously they did. I was really scared weather people would like what they were reading when I started to post some of my poems as notes on Facebook and since people have had such good things to say about my poems and how much they liked them I wanted to be able to share them with more people. I write to help myself deal with things, and get through things and I've learned that I don't need to worry whether people like what I write or not, of course I'd like that they like it, but I don't stress about it anymore. I write for me and that's all I need.
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