Nervous

I want to sleep, but I can't. I'm so restless. I have all these nervouse butterflies in my stomach. I'm so exhausted and just can't sleep. It really doesn't matter how tired I am because in like 10 ish hours I'm gonna be so doped up on pain meds and anethesia that I'll be able to sleep for like 3 days straight. All I want is to be fixed, pain free, and able to be a normal flippin person. Cause as it is now I can't do like anything, and it's SO frusterating. I can't run, I can't go up stairs, I can't drive, I can't sleep, I can't shop, I can't even walk most times, at least not without being in pain and I'm really sick of it. I don't even know what else to say right now, I have so much going through my mind and I feel like my head is going to expload any minute.

Pickles

Pickles. I'm gonna cut straight to the point. I miss you. A lot. And I'm kind of at a loss for words that you're gone. I feel like I didn't even get to say goodbye. And now I never will. I didn't have you very long, but you meant so much and I loved you so much. I feel like everything has beed dying lately. Everything that means the most to me. Some people don't get it, because you guys are just animals, but it's such a big deal. You were part of my family. And now half of my family is gone. You're not alone wherever you are, you have Amber and Ginger to keep you company. Tell them I miss them a lot too, everyone does.  Lizzy is so lonely without you and Ginger. She's all by herself. I think she misses you a lot too. I hope you rest in piggie peace Pickles. Always in my heart and thoughts, never forgoten. I love you my little Gherkin♥

Some days, I break.

There never seems to be an in between, a grey, or a kinda sorta maybe. It's black and white. Yes or no. One or the other. I've been laying in my bed for a while now, trying to fall asleep. It's not that I'm not tired, I am tired, I'm so so exhausted. My body just doesn't like to let me sleep sometimes. Most days I'm okay, but some days I'm not. Most days I can keep my smile on my face, but some days I just can't help but to frown. Most days I feel good, even great, but some days, I just break. I'm not going to re explain all my issues, I've done that too many times, explained it all to too many doctors and friends and family memebers, and I'm so tired of doing that. But I can't sleep tonight, like most nights lately. I fall asleep, and then the pain wakes me up, again and again and again. Sometimes it's that dull deep pain, sometimes it's that shooting pinching pain, but most times it's that burning, achey, make you wanna scream kinda pain. Most times I can just ignor it, it's been there so long that sometimes I don't even notice it. 2 years of  dealing with it will do that to you. Sometimes, well, pretty much all the time actually, I find it really hard to tell people what's wrong, because I just don't know what to say to them when they ask me what's wrong or if I'm okay. And there's people that I should tell, and I'm constantly trying to find the right words, and the right time to, but I can never seem to spit it out. I'm afraid. I'm terrified. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm in pain. All day, everyday. I have no trouble spilling my guts on my blog, mostly because I don't think anyone really reads it, which is fine by me. I just break some days. I go on and on and on about stuff I can't actually speak out loud. I'm all over the place, just going on and on. I'm having surgery, again, on December 19th of this year. I'm really scared. I'm scared that everything is gonna go wrong. That I'm gonna get all kinds of complications like last time. I don't wanna deal with all the pain, again. I wanna be fixed. I wanna be painless, for once. I don't even know what to say anymore. Maybe I can sleep. I can hope at least. I just want to be at peace.

Untitled

drive away
drive away from everything I've ever known
take the train
watch me as I go

keep me safe
stay with me as I leave
please don't cry
this doesn't mean goodbye

take me away to Georgia
send me to L.A
leave me here in New York
just go and let me be

I just need to get away
from all these people
and this sad, sad place
that leaves stains upon my face

just drive away
from this place of misery
I'll board the train
watch me from far away

please keep me safe
be with me while I dream
don't cry
it won't ever mean goodbye

Everything

the way you say my name
the way you walk away
say hello but please don't go

keep breathing in and out
don't leave me here with all this doubt
please stay with me tonight

I need you here tonight
I need to know that you're alright
don't stray too far away
I can't see you when you're so far away

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you are
I can't sleep at night sometimes
but at least I know that you're alright

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were
when I have sleepless nights I just stare out into the night sky
but I can't see you when you're so far away

something is so wrong
it's so empty in there
it's too quiet in here
it's too quiet without you my dear

I didn't notice
didn't notice how much of me you had
my heart is missing you
forever will be

I need you here tonight
I know that you're alright
but you're so far away
and it just doesn't feel right

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you are
I can't sleep at night sometimes
but at least I know that you're alright

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were
when I have sleepless nights I just stare out into the night sky
but I can't see you when you're so far away 

be safe
be okay
stay sweet
stay so sincere

I'll keep you here
forever in my heart
but I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were

Ginger

I knew the day would come where I would have to let you go, to be in a better place. I just didn't expect to have to let you go so soon and suddenly. You weren't just a guinea pig, and I know that to some people it's weird and stupid, or whatever other thoughts run through their minds, but I don't see it that way. When I was all alone and everyone left me and forgot about me, you sat with me all day, and never left my side. You made me feel happy when it seemed like all I could be was sad. You had no expectations except lettuce. You loved and trusted me with only the purest kind there is. I rescued you and in a way you rescued me too. I remember the day I brought you home, April 30th 2010. I don't know how I would have gotten through all those months after my surgery and rehab without your little face to greet me and comfort me everyday. I love all of my guinea pigs so much I can't explain it, but me and you always had a special bond that I've never had with any animal and I don't think I ever will again. I miss you every day and every night. You will always be a thought in the back of my mind. I will love you forever and ever, never forgoten and always missed. You have a friend up there, wherever you may be, keep Amber company and get along. My baby Ginger piggie, may your wonderfull sweet little soul rest in peace♥

Drown

walking out the door
hoping you had more
all you have inside
is a fire behing your eyes
burns both day and night
screams and shouts
that flame will never burn out
pounding from within
out of the  head
never wanted to let you in
speak thoughts out loud
hear whispers with no sound
let the rain fall
don't let me down
save me as I drown
memories rush into your mind
yeah they get me all the time
did you hear me when I said it out loud
can you see me when I don't make a sound
would you ever let me drown
please don't let me drown

Amber

This is my precious 12 year old pittbull/lab mix, Amber. She has spent the last 13 years of my life with me and my family. Being an old dog, she;s definitely slowed down the past few years, especially this past year. The past day or so she has no been doing well at all. She lay down on the floor and she's hardly move since. She won't eat. She won't drink. She won't stand by herself. She just wont move. She breathes, and it takes all the energy she has left to just do that. It's not that she doesn't want to do all those things though, I know, she tries so hard to drink and it she just can't seem to do it on her own. It just kills me to see her like this. My Amber dog that is always so brave and powerful. The first one to greet you at the door. I have been crying all day long at the thought, the fact that I'm going to lose her. I just can't get over it. I don't know what life is like without her. I don't want her to suffer, or be in pain, or anything. I want her to be peaceful. I want to remember her as the happiest thing in my life. The best part of my day. The high light of my week, The reason I love walking through the doors. Hearing her so excited to see me, like she hasn't seen me in years, prancing around the living room with her and hugging her so tight she squirms out of my arms. I already miss that so much. I can't do much to help her. I just sit on the floor and lay with her, petting her and hugging her. Wiping the druel off her face and giving her water with a rag so it can drip down her throat. All I can do is what she has always done for me when I was sick, just be there at her side. She always just knew when something was wrong, she just sat there with her head on me, as long as I needed her for. She has been loyal to me all these years and it's my turn to return her the favor. All I can do is pray that when it is her time to go, that she goes peacfully and pain free. I know it's hard for some people to understand, because it's "just a dog" but it is so much more than that. She is my family. She is apart of me. I love her more than I can even describe and she means the absolute world to me. I'll stick with her till the end, but I'll sleep better knowing that I've given her the best dog days she could have. Nothing but love and affection and care. That's all a dog could ever ask for, that and, lots of milk bones. She's got it all. She willl always hold a special place in my heart that no dog will ever be able to fill. I love you so so so so much Amber, I will miss you when it's time. Gone but never, ever forgotten.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Ahhh! Taylor Swift is at it yet again! I'm so super excited! Her new album, RED will be out October 22, 2012! I have been listening to her new single, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, non stop since it came out! She never ever dissapoints me! Here's the lyrics and the link to hear the song! Fearless Fan Forever!

"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

I remember when we broke up the first time
Saying, "This is it, I've had enough," 'cause like
We hadn't seen each other in a month
When you said you needed space. (What?)
Then you come around again and say
"Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me."
Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say, "I hate you," we break up, you call me, "I love you."

Oooh we called it off again last night
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

Like, ever...

I'm really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for it screaming that I'm right
And you, would hide away and find your peace of mind
With some indie record that's much cooler than mine

Oooh, you called me up again tonight
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (talk to me)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

Oooh oooh oooh oooh

I used to think that we were forever ever
And I used to say never say never
Huh, so he calls me up and he's like, "I still love you"
And I'm like, "I just, I mean this is exhausting, you know, like,
We are never getting back together. Like, ever"

No!

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

We are not getting back together,
We oh, not getting back together

You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (talk to me)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcMn_Eu-XTE&feature=share

Secrets

lurking in the shadows
with their silent screams
waiting behind the scenes
innocence it seems

kept for so long
such distance put between
the space and the time
it's all put on the line

secrets are tearing up my heart
secrets are pulling me apart
your words pass through me
how can I react

secrets are everywhere
too many to be aware
the chaos that they leave
is more than it ever seemed

my mind must speak aloud
silent is the sound
the secrets I have found
hiding in your mouth

better lost than found
a soul that can't stay ground
I cannot sleep at all
for your secrets have been found

Endlessly

lost in a sea of my frustration
caught in a fog of falling faith
give me someone to hold on to
give me something to let go of
endlessly
endlessly
for screams and tears I've cried
all the feelings I had to hide
seven hundred and thirty days I tried
endlessly
endlessly
I fought so hard
lost so many times
never imagined and ending like this
all the moments were so worth it
endlessly
endlessly
you're so easy to miss
now that there is nothing more to this
I have been torn apart
and rebirthed from it
endlessly
endlessly

North Avenue

North Avenue Beach - Chicago, IL

Today was pretty awesome. Spent the day at my favorite place in the world, Chicago. There is nothing better than the smell of Lake Michigan, the feeling of sand in between your toes and the sun shining down all day long. Taking turns laying on my towel and swiming in the lake. Taking in the amazing skyline of the greatest city on earth. I miss being so close to the city, it kinda stinks that it takes an hour to get there. But, anyways, my day was amazing. I had the most fun I've had all summer long. I laughed so much I gave myself a headache. Jumping over the waves as they roll in, and squishing my fingers int he sand. That is love, for me anyways. I finally have a tan! It only took almost the entire summer...but hey, who cares, I got it now! haha. I can't wait to go back. I love the trains and busses and the sound of honking car horns and train horns. I think the sounds of trains in the distance is one of the most calming noises to fall asleep to. Back home in Cal City, I used to fall asleep to that every night. Every once in a while I'll hear one as I'm drifting off to sleep, but not too often. I can't wait to be back in the city again someday. I want to live there so badly, ever since I was a little girl. Suburbs and country is alright, but nothing compares to the hustle and bustle of the city. I cannot stand all these corn fields and tractors everywhere. Drives me nuts. It's a nice town and all, but it's just not my cup of tea. It's okay though, just have to wait till that someday comes my way.

Freedom and Relief

Ahh, I am quite relaxed these days. I have finally gotten rid of certain people in my life that were dragging me down to their level of unhappines. I am such a happy person in general, I hardly ever get down in the dumps. For the past eight months I have felt nothing but longing for something better, something good. Stuck in a rut of not knowing how to just get out of what I was in. I feel like all of a sudden I have my life back. I have so much freedom to just do as I please, worry about me for a change and not what someone else wants or needs. No more listening to the whining of an imature adult that cannot seem to figure out how to deal with life in a normal fashion. I can focus on the things that I need, and it sure feels great! I have less than a month left to enjoy not having things to do or worry about. My last month to be carefree and young and wild and free, and I am SO relieved to be able to live it up the way I need to and want to, without being worried about how someone else feels about my actions. Yes, I know, it sounds  little selfish, but, after eight months of nothing but another beings selfish thoughs and actions, I definitely deserve a little time and space to think and worry about me. Oh, how I am loving life right now. I just cannot get over how happy I am.

No Turning Back

I have decided to be healthy! If I leave it up to my body to feel good and stay healthy, at this point, I don't think that would ever happen. So, instead of relying on good health, as in my actual health, not fitness health, to feel good I am finlly taking the reigns and doig it myself. I may never be at a point where I feel good or fine all the time, and I have come to terms with that. But, through out all of my illness I have never let it get the best of me, I've recently been thinking about it a lot, and I said to myself, if I didn't let the worst of it get the best of me, then why am I letting these little obstacles get in my way? I am starting my new journey in college a month from tomorrow, and I want a new body to go with it (wouldn't that be nice, huh?) I can't really get THAT, but, I can improve as much as possible on my current model. I have never really had a problem with overeating or watching what I eat, just the part of moving around and excercising. I have been walking, more like power walking, not quite jogging, on the treadmill everyday this week. I have a sheet that I can keep track of my speed and distance, as well as the amount of calories I burn and the incline I walk on. I have done awesome so far, and I know I can keep it up! I am up to walking a mile anda half, increasing a little bit each day. I feel so good! I haven't been able to say that in SO long! I am so excited to keep going and keep fighting. I will never never ever ever let my body's unwillingness to be healthy effect ME being healthy and living my life as best I can with the circumstances I'm living with!

New Life

Wow is all I can say about these past few months. I have had so many thoughts running through my mind and I am finally getting a chance to let them all out. There are SO many positive things I have to be excited about! I don't know what you would call my other things, not really so much as negative, but just, unknown. I have been accepted to Aurora University, not only accepted but I have everything paid for! I have worked so hard researching scholarships and busting my ass in school. I never thought I would get acedemic scholarships. I know I am smart and I am a very confident student, but after my last last full year of high school was so, unexpected, I thought I wouldn't be able to get my grades up, or keep them up, when I wasn't even in school. I got through it, but I honestly don't remember anything I learned in my junior year. All those drugs just made everything like I was in a fog, and I couldn't ever find my way out of it. I would never be who I am, or where I am without any of my struggles, and I'm honestly scared of how my illness will be in college. It has been on my mind so much lately, tons of mixed emotions and questions that I don't know if I'll ever get answered. I'm a nursing major with a music minor, which to be in nursing with any kind of minor is apparently crazy. That's fine with me though, if there's anything I can handle it's the crazy and unexpected. College is so intimidating when you're normal, and I feel like it's 10 times more so when you're not normal. There are few people who can understand what I've been through, what I still go through. Anyone that was there when it all started left, and they never came back. Anyone that comes into this and tries to understand usually doesn't, and it's not their fault that they can't comprehend it all, it's a lot to take it and understand as an outsider. No one was there for me when I needed them, and I can't make people understand how it is now, I can't force someone to be there when I need them. On the same token, they can't be there for someone when they don't understand what their role is or even how to deal with  all the information they're absorbing. It is just a long repetative cycle that never gets anywhere. I've learned to deal with that, and to be okay with it. There will never be anyone who 'gets it'. I am leaving my old life behind this fall. I am moving on from all the damage that's been done, what done is done and I'm so happy I can leave it behind me. I am going to college, and I will succed no matter what my life decides to throw at me, no matter what decisions my life decides to make for me. I am terrified and estatic at the same time. I don't know if my body will stay on the same page as my head, but that's all I can ever hope for.

Love Song

if I wrote you a love song
would you stay?
if I wrote you a love song
would you run away?

you make me feel like this is something real
I never want this feeling to fade
please, hear me when I say
listen to my love song

please, hear me say these words for you
if I wrote you a love song
what would you say?
if I wrote you a love song
oh, what would you do?

do you feel the same way I do
can you see my heart is burning for you?
please, listen to my love song
please, hear me say these words for you

I sing it all for you
I write it all for you
my heart is beating faster for you
my heart can hardly help it

oh look, look at what I wrote for you
let, let me sing a song for you
cause I, I wrote you a love song
yes I, I wrote you a love song