New Life

Wow is all I can say about these past few months. I have had so many thoughts running through my mind and I am finally getting a chance to let them all out. There are SO many positive things I have to be excited about! I don't know what you would call my other things, not really so much as negative, but just, unknown. I have been accepted to Aurora University, not only accepted but I have everything paid for! I have worked so hard researching scholarships and busting my ass in school. I never thought I would get acedemic scholarships. I know I am smart and I am a very confident student, but after my last last full year of high school was so, unexpected, I thought I wouldn't be able to get my grades up, or keep them up, when I wasn't even in school. I got through it, but I honestly don't remember anything I learned in my junior year. All those drugs just made everything like I was in a fog, and I couldn't ever find my way out of it. I would never be who I am, or where I am without any of my struggles, and I'm honestly scared of how my illness will be in college. It has been on my mind so much lately, tons of mixed emotions and questions that I don't know if I'll ever get answered. I'm a nursing major with a music minor, which to be in nursing with any kind of minor is apparently crazy. That's fine with me though, if there's anything I can handle it's the crazy and unexpected. College is so intimidating when you're normal, and I feel like it's 10 times more so when you're not normal. There are few people who can understand what I've been through, what I still go through. Anyone that was there when it all started left, and they never came back. Anyone that comes into this and tries to understand usually doesn't, and it's not their fault that they can't comprehend it all, it's a lot to take it and understand as an outsider. No one was there for me when I needed them, and I can't make people understand how it is now, I can't force someone to be there when I need them. On the same token, they can't be there for someone when they don't understand what their role is or even how to deal with  all the information they're absorbing. It is just a long repetative cycle that never gets anywhere. I've learned to deal with that, and to be okay with it. There will never be anyone who 'gets it'. I am leaving my old life behind this fall. I am moving on from all the damage that's been done, what done is done and I'm so happy I can leave it behind me. I am going to college, and I will succed no matter what my life decides to throw at me, no matter what decisions my life decides to make for me. I am terrified and estatic at the same time. I don't know if my body will stay on the same page as my head, but that's all I can ever hope for.