Endlessly

lost in a sea of my frustration
caught in a fog of falling faith
give me someone to hold on to
give me something to let go of
endlessly
endlessly
for screams and tears I've cried
all the feelings I had to hide
seven hundred and thirty days I tried
endlessly
endlessly
I fought so hard
lost so many times
never imagined and ending like this
all the moments were so worth it
endlessly
endlessly
you're so easy to miss
now that there is nothing more to this
I have been torn apart
and rebirthed from it
endlessly
endlessly

North Avenue

North Avenue Beach - Chicago, IL

Today was pretty awesome. Spent the day at my favorite place in the world, Chicago. There is nothing better than the smell of Lake Michigan, the feeling of sand in between your toes and the sun shining down all day long. Taking turns laying on my towel and swiming in the lake. Taking in the amazing skyline of the greatest city on earth. I miss being so close to the city, it kinda stinks that it takes an hour to get there. But, anyways, my day was amazing. I had the most fun I've had all summer long. I laughed so much I gave myself a headache. Jumping over the waves as they roll in, and squishing my fingers int he sand. That is love, for me anyways. I finally have a tan! It only took almost the entire summer...but hey, who cares, I got it now! haha. I can't wait to go back. I love the trains and busses and the sound of honking car horns and train horns. I think the sounds of trains in the distance is one of the most calming noises to fall asleep to. Back home in Cal City, I used to fall asleep to that every night. Every once in a while I'll hear one as I'm drifting off to sleep, but not too often. I can't wait to be back in the city again someday. I want to live there so badly, ever since I was a little girl. Suburbs and country is alright, but nothing compares to the hustle and bustle of the city. I cannot stand all these corn fields and tractors everywhere. Drives me nuts. It's a nice town and all, but it's just not my cup of tea. It's okay though, just have to wait till that someday comes my way.

Freedom and Relief

Ahh, I am quite relaxed these days. I have finally gotten rid of certain people in my life that were dragging me down to their level of unhappines. I am such a happy person in general, I hardly ever get down in the dumps. For the past eight months I have felt nothing but longing for something better, something good. Stuck in a rut of not knowing how to just get out of what I was in. I feel like all of a sudden I have my life back. I have so much freedom to just do as I please, worry about me for a change and not what someone else wants or needs. No more listening to the whining of an imature adult that cannot seem to figure out how to deal with life in a normal fashion. I can focus on the things that I need, and it sure feels great! I have less than a month left to enjoy not having things to do or worry about. My last month to be carefree and young and wild and free, and I am SO relieved to be able to live it up the way I need to and want to, without being worried about how someone else feels about my actions. Yes, I know, it sounds  little selfish, but, after eight months of nothing but another beings selfish thoughs and actions, I definitely deserve a little time and space to think and worry about me. Oh, how I am loving life right now. I just cannot get over how happy I am.

No Turning Back

I have decided to be healthy! If I leave it up to my body to feel good and stay healthy, at this point, I don't think that would ever happen. So, instead of relying on good health, as in my actual health, not fitness health, to feel good I am finlly taking the reigns and doig it myself. I may never be at a point where I feel good or fine all the time, and I have come to terms with that. But, through out all of my illness I have never let it get the best of me, I've recently been thinking about it a lot, and I said to myself, if I didn't let the worst of it get the best of me, then why am I letting these little obstacles get in my way? I am starting my new journey in college a month from tomorrow, and I want a new body to go with it (wouldn't that be nice, huh?) I can't really get THAT, but, I can improve as much as possible on my current model. I have never really had a problem with overeating or watching what I eat, just the part of moving around and excercising. I have been walking, more like power walking, not quite jogging, on the treadmill everyday this week. I have a sheet that I can keep track of my speed and distance, as well as the amount of calories I burn and the incline I walk on. I have done awesome so far, and I know I can keep it up! I am up to walking a mile anda half, increasing a little bit each day. I feel so good! I haven't been able to say that in SO long! I am so excited to keep going and keep fighting. I will never never ever ever let my body's unwillingness to be healthy effect ME being healthy and living my life as best I can with the circumstances I'm living with!

New Life

Wow is all I can say about these past few months. I have had so many thoughts running through my mind and I am finally getting a chance to let them all out. There are SO many positive things I have to be excited about! I don't know what you would call my other things, not really so much as negative, but just, unknown. I have been accepted to Aurora University, not only accepted but I have everything paid for! I have worked so hard researching scholarships and busting my ass in school. I never thought I would get acedemic scholarships. I know I am smart and I am a very confident student, but after my last last full year of high school was so, unexpected, I thought I wouldn't be able to get my grades up, or keep them up, when I wasn't even in school. I got through it, but I honestly don't remember anything I learned in my junior year. All those drugs just made everything like I was in a fog, and I couldn't ever find my way out of it. I would never be who I am, or where I am without any of my struggles, and I'm honestly scared of how my illness will be in college. It has been on my mind so much lately, tons of mixed emotions and questions that I don't know if I'll ever get answered. I'm a nursing major with a music minor, which to be in nursing with any kind of minor is apparently crazy. That's fine with me though, if there's anything I can handle it's the crazy and unexpected. College is so intimidating when you're normal, and I feel like it's 10 times more so when you're not normal. There are few people who can understand what I've been through, what I still go through. Anyone that was there when it all started left, and they never came back. Anyone that comes into this and tries to understand usually doesn't, and it's not their fault that they can't comprehend it all, it's a lot to take it and understand as an outsider. No one was there for me when I needed them, and I can't make people understand how it is now, I can't force someone to be there when I need them. On the same token, they can't be there for someone when they don't understand what their role is or even how to deal with  all the information they're absorbing. It is just a long repetative cycle that never gets anywhere. I've learned to deal with that, and to be okay with it. There will never be anyone who 'gets it'. I am leaving my old life behind this fall. I am moving on from all the damage that's been done, what done is done and I'm so happy I can leave it behind me. I am going to college, and I will succed no matter what my life decides to throw at me, no matter what decisions my life decides to make for me. I am terrified and estatic at the same time. I don't know if my body will stay on the same page as my head, but that's all I can ever hope for.

Love Song

if I wrote you a love song
would you stay?
if I wrote you a love song
would you run away?

you make me feel like this is something real
I never want this feeling to fade
please, hear me when I say
listen to my love song

please, hear me say these words for you
if I wrote you a love song
what would you say?
if I wrote you a love song
oh, what would you do?

do you feel the same way I do
can you see my heart is burning for you?
please, listen to my love song
please, hear me say these words for you

I sing it all for you
I write it all for you
my heart is beating faster for you
my heart can hardly help it

oh look, look at what I wrote for you
let, let me sing a song for you
cause I, I wrote you a love song
yes I, I wrote you a love song

All Over Again

she walks on a fragile line
it's breaking as she tries to find
some kind of peace within her mind
she talks to angels
far up in the sky
asking why, why, why
because she feels like she's breaking
all over again
because she feels like shes fading
all over again
and she bends and she breaks
and she falls and she fades
but she'll do whatever it takes
just to be okay again
she goes through her day
pretends everything's okay
she keeps up with the race
but day by day shes losing her faith
she stares up at the sky at night
wishing that she could just know why
her eye lids flutter as she's falling asleep
dreaming of what this could possibly be
because she feels like she's breaking
all over again
because she feels like shes fading
all over again
and she bends and she breaks
and she falls and she fades
but she'll do whatever it takes
just to be okay again
she breathes in
she breathes out
but she still has all of this doubt
she can scream
she can shout
but she still feels like she's all by herself
she talks to angels
deep up in the sky
asking why, why, why
because she feels like she breaking
all over again
she feels like she's fading
all over again
she bends and she breaks
she falls and she fades
she would do whatever it takes
just to be okay again