Amber

This is my precious 12 year old pittbull/lab mix, Amber. She has spent the last 13 years of my life with me and my family. Being an old dog, she;s definitely slowed down the past few years, especially this past year. The past day or so she has no been doing well at all. She lay down on the floor and she's hardly move since. She won't eat. She won't drink. She won't stand by herself. She just wont move. She breathes, and it takes all the energy she has left to just do that. It's not that she doesn't want to do all those things though, I know, she tries so hard to drink and it she just can't seem to do it on her own. It just kills me to see her like this. My Amber dog that is always so brave and powerful. The first one to greet you at the door. I have been crying all day long at the thought, the fact that I'm going to lose her. I just can't get over it. I don't know what life is like without her. I don't want her to suffer, or be in pain, or anything. I want her to be peaceful. I want to remember her as the happiest thing in my life. The best part of my day. The high light of my week, The reason I love walking through the doors. Hearing her so excited to see me, like she hasn't seen me in years, prancing around the living room with her and hugging her so tight she squirms out of my arms. I already miss that so much. I can't do much to help her. I just sit on the floor and lay with her, petting her and hugging her. Wiping the druel off her face and giving her water with a rag so it can drip down her throat. All I can do is what she has always done for me when I was sick, just be there at her side. She always just knew when something was wrong, she just sat there with her head on me, as long as I needed her for. She has been loyal to me all these years and it's my turn to return her the favor. All I can do is pray that when it is her time to go, that she goes peacfully and pain free. I know it's hard for some people to understand, because it's "just a dog" but it is so much more than that. She is my family. She is apart of me. I love her more than I can even describe and she means the absolute world to me. I'll stick with her till the end, but I'll sleep better knowing that I've given her the best dog days she could have. Nothing but love and affection and care. That's all a dog could ever ask for, that and, lots of milk bones. She's got it all. She willl always hold a special place in my heart that no dog will ever be able to fill. I love you so so so so much Amber, I will miss you when it's time. Gone but never, ever forgotten.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Ahhh! Taylor Swift is at it yet again! I'm so super excited! Her new album, RED will be out October 22, 2012! I have been listening to her new single, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, non stop since it came out! She never ever dissapoints me! Here's the lyrics and the link to hear the song! Fearless Fan Forever!

"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

I remember when we broke up the first time
Saying, "This is it, I've had enough," 'cause like
We hadn't seen each other in a month
When you said you needed space. (What?)
Then you come around again and say
"Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me."
Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say, "I hate you," we break up, you call me, "I love you."

Oooh we called it off again last night
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

Like, ever...

I'm really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for it screaming that I'm right
And you, would hide away and find your peace of mind
With some indie record that's much cooler than mine

Oooh, you called me up again tonight
But oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (talk to me)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

Oooh oooh oooh oooh

I used to think that we were forever ever
And I used to say never say never
Huh, so he calls me up and he's like, "I still love you"
And I'm like, "I just, I mean this is exhausting, you know, like,
We are never getting back together. Like, ever"

No!

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

We are not getting back together,
We oh, not getting back together

You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (talk to me)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcMn_Eu-XTE&feature=share

Secrets

lurking in the shadows
with their silent screams
waiting behind the scenes
innocence it seems

kept for so long
such distance put between
the space and the time
it's all put on the line

secrets are tearing up my heart
secrets are pulling me apart
your words pass through me
how can I react

secrets are everywhere
too many to be aware
the chaos that they leave
is more than it ever seemed

my mind must speak aloud
silent is the sound
the secrets I have found
hiding in your mouth

better lost than found
a soul that can't stay ground
I cannot sleep at all
for your secrets have been found

Endlessly

lost in a sea of my frustration
caught in a fog of falling faith
give me someone to hold on to
give me something to let go of
endlessly
endlessly
for screams and tears I've cried
all the feelings I had to hide
seven hundred and thirty days I tried
endlessly
endlessly
I fought so hard
lost so many times
never imagined and ending like this
all the moments were so worth it
endlessly
endlessly
you're so easy to miss
now that there is nothing more to this
I have been torn apart
and rebirthed from it
endlessly
endlessly

North Avenue

North Avenue Beach - Chicago, IL

Today was pretty awesome. Spent the day at my favorite place in the world, Chicago. There is nothing better than the smell of Lake Michigan, the feeling of sand in between your toes and the sun shining down all day long. Taking turns laying on my towel and swiming in the lake. Taking in the amazing skyline of the greatest city on earth. I miss being so close to the city, it kinda stinks that it takes an hour to get there. But, anyways, my day was amazing. I had the most fun I've had all summer long. I laughed so much I gave myself a headache. Jumping over the waves as they roll in, and squishing my fingers int he sand. That is love, for me anyways. I finally have a tan! It only took almost the entire summer...but hey, who cares, I got it now! haha. I can't wait to go back. I love the trains and busses and the sound of honking car horns and train horns. I think the sounds of trains in the distance is one of the most calming noises to fall asleep to. Back home in Cal City, I used to fall asleep to that every night. Every once in a while I'll hear one as I'm drifting off to sleep, but not too often. I can't wait to be back in the city again someday. I want to live there so badly, ever since I was a little girl. Suburbs and country is alright, but nothing compares to the hustle and bustle of the city. I cannot stand all these corn fields and tractors everywhere. Drives me nuts. It's a nice town and all, but it's just not my cup of tea. It's okay though, just have to wait till that someday comes my way.

Freedom and Relief

Ahh, I am quite relaxed these days. I have finally gotten rid of certain people in my life that were dragging me down to their level of unhappines. I am such a happy person in general, I hardly ever get down in the dumps. For the past eight months I have felt nothing but longing for something better, something good. Stuck in a rut of not knowing how to just get out of what I was in. I feel like all of a sudden I have my life back. I have so much freedom to just do as I please, worry about me for a change and not what someone else wants or needs. No more listening to the whining of an imature adult that cannot seem to figure out how to deal with life in a normal fashion. I can focus on the things that I need, and it sure feels great! I have less than a month left to enjoy not having things to do or worry about. My last month to be carefree and young and wild and free, and I am SO relieved to be able to live it up the way I need to and want to, without being worried about how someone else feels about my actions. Yes, I know, it sounds  little selfish, but, after eight months of nothing but another beings selfish thoughs and actions, I definitely deserve a little time and space to think and worry about me. Oh, how I am loving life right now. I just cannot get over how happy I am.

No Turning Back

I have decided to be healthy! If I leave it up to my body to feel good and stay healthy, at this point, I don't think that would ever happen. So, instead of relying on good health, as in my actual health, not fitness health, to feel good I am finlly taking the reigns and doig it myself. I may never be at a point where I feel good or fine all the time, and I have come to terms with that. But, through out all of my illness I have never let it get the best of me, I've recently been thinking about it a lot, and I said to myself, if I didn't let the worst of it get the best of me, then why am I letting these little obstacles get in my way? I am starting my new journey in college a month from tomorrow, and I want a new body to go with it (wouldn't that be nice, huh?) I can't really get THAT, but, I can improve as much as possible on my current model. I have never really had a problem with overeating or watching what I eat, just the part of moving around and excercising. I have been walking, more like power walking, not quite jogging, on the treadmill everyday this week. I have a sheet that I can keep track of my speed and distance, as well as the amount of calories I burn and the incline I walk on. I have done awesome so far, and I know I can keep it up! I am up to walking a mile anda half, increasing a little bit each day. I feel so good! I haven't been able to say that in SO long! I am so excited to keep going and keep fighting. I will never never ever ever let my body's unwillingness to be healthy effect ME being healthy and living my life as best I can with the circumstances I'm living with!