New Life

Wow is all I can say about these past few months. I have had so many thoughts running through my mind and I am finally getting a chance to let them all out. There are SO many positive things I have to be excited about! I don't know what you would call my other things, not really so much as negative, but just, unknown. I have been accepted to Aurora University, not only accepted but I have everything paid for! I have worked so hard researching scholarships and busting my ass in school. I never thought I would get acedemic scholarships. I know I am smart and I am a very confident student, but after my last last full year of high school was so, unexpected, I thought I wouldn't be able to get my grades up, or keep them up, when I wasn't even in school. I got through it, but I honestly don't remember anything I learned in my junior year. All those drugs just made everything like I was in a fog, and I couldn't ever find my way out of it. I would never be who I am, or where I am without any of my struggles, and I'm honestly scared of how my illness will be in college. It has been on my mind so much lately, tons of mixed emotions and questions that I don't know if I'll ever get answered. I'm a nursing major with a music minor, which to be in nursing with any kind of minor is apparently crazy. That's fine with me though, if there's anything I can handle it's the crazy and unexpected. College is so intimidating when you're normal, and I feel like it's 10 times more so when you're not normal. There are few people who can understand what I've been through, what I still go through. Anyone that was there when it all started left, and they never came back. Anyone that comes into this and tries to understand usually doesn't, and it's not their fault that they can't comprehend it all, it's a lot to take it and understand as an outsider. No one was there for me when I needed them, and I can't make people understand how it is now, I can't force someone to be there when I need them. On the same token, they can't be there for someone when they don't understand what their role is or even how to deal with  all the information they're absorbing. It is just a long repetative cycle that never gets anywhere. I've learned to deal with that, and to be okay with it. There will never be anyone who 'gets it'. I am leaving my old life behind this fall. I am moving on from all the damage that's been done, what done is done and I'm so happy I can leave it behind me. I am going to college, and I will succed no matter what my life decides to throw at me, no matter what decisions my life decides to make for me. I am terrified and estatic at the same time. I don't know if my body will stay on the same page as my head, but that's all I can ever hope for.

Love Song

if I wrote you a love song
would you stay?
if I wrote you a love song
would you run away?

you make me feel like this is something real
I never want this feeling to fade
please, hear me when I say
listen to my love song

please, hear me say these words for you
if I wrote you a love song
what would you say?
if I wrote you a love song
oh, what would you do?

do you feel the same way I do
can you see my heart is burning for you?
please, listen to my love song
please, hear me say these words for you

I sing it all for you
I write it all for you
my heart is beating faster for you
my heart can hardly help it

oh look, look at what I wrote for you
let, let me sing a song for you
cause I, I wrote you a love song
yes I, I wrote you a love song

All Over Again

she walks on a fragile line
it's breaking as she tries to find
some kind of peace within her mind
she talks to angels
far up in the sky
asking why, why, why
because she feels like she's breaking
all over again
because she feels like shes fading
all over again
and she bends and she breaks
and she falls and she fades
but she'll do whatever it takes
just to be okay again
she goes through her day
pretends everything's okay
she keeps up with the race
but day by day shes losing her faith
she stares up at the sky at night
wishing that she could just know why
her eye lids flutter as she's falling asleep
dreaming of what this could possibly be
because she feels like she's breaking
all over again
because she feels like shes fading
all over again
and she bends and she breaks
and she falls and she fades
but she'll do whatever it takes
just to be okay again
she breathes in
she breathes out
but she still has all of this doubt
she can scream
she can shout
but she still feels like she's all by herself
she talks to angels
deep up in the sky
asking why, why, why
because she feels like she breaking
all over again
she feels like she's fading
all over again
she bends and she breaks
she falls and she fades
she would do whatever it takes
just to be okay again

Back In Session

Whoa, I haven't written at all for litteraly a month. I've been so busy, not really, but kind of. School has started and I'm already stressing out. I love all my classes, but, my first class, Earth Science and my second class Biology 2 are killing me. I take notes back to back and I've been so great with my hands and arms, and for the past week or so of school I haven't had any problems. Unfortunatly today I am, that's why I'm sitting here at home in the middle of the day. My arm really hurts. I might take a nap. I'm watching a Taylor Swift interview, love love love! Advice from Taylor Swift for young aspiring musicians: "I think that you have to love it more than anything else, you have to love it for so many other reasons than what you think the end result could be, like you don’t make an album so that you can get a platinum record to hang on your wall, you don’t go on tour so you can hang the sold out plaques up in your bedroom. You have to love music SO much that your hour and a half to 2 hours on stage is worth everything else that you're going to go through." Oh and she says to learn how to play your own instrument because it's alot easier than carring around a karaoke machine. Beauty is sincerity, that there are so many ways someone can be beautiful, there isn’t one way to be beautiful because everyone and everthing has beauty in it, even if not everyone sees it, it's always there. ♥fearless fan forever.

Love & Hate

What is this feeling that I feel
It's running through my veins
It's one of those things you can't explain
Like I'm torn between love and hate
And I can't find the right words to say
I'm just the flower, I'm not the planter
I can't speak because I have no more words to say
Oh, it's only pain that runs through my veins
But it's a feeling I just can't explain
Close your eyes and picture a world so devine
The sun is always shining
I always know where to find myself
The blue skies go on forever
Nothing ever isn't right
Yeah, that's where I wish I could be
But it's no where in sight
I have all this grey sky
No sunlight to see
Always running wild
I don't know where to find myself
I scream till I can scream no more
And still no one can hear me
I'm in a state of utter misery
It's always surrounding me
It won't let go of me
Because it's got such a tight hold of me
What will become of me
Torn between love and hate
It's only love
It's only pain
But it makes me wake
Never easy to keep fighting this war
I'm ready to surrender
Can't you see my flag?
I know this battle is far from won
But I just can't fight it anymore
I'm torn between love and hate
It's one of those things you can't explain
I just can't explain

Bitter Sweet

Life is bitter sweet
Truth is sometimes more than just skin deep
Answers seem to be so far out of reach
With every blink of an eye
It seems like a lifetime is passing by
And no matter how hard you try
Spending so much of your time
Wishing for brighter days
And no more bitter nights
Just give me some wings so I can fly
Let me run away so I can hide
So I can continue my constant search
For the peace I can never seem to find
Let me open up my eyes and see a sign
Please give me hope for tomorrow
Give back long summer days
And never ending stary skies
Let me dance in the rain
Give me no fears
And nothing to hide
Give me a crisp fall day
To be able to escape from this place
Please let me long for those days
Oh how I long for those days
But this world is not fair
This world is not kind
And you're left torn between the lines
Bitter sweet
This life is bitter sweet

Shark In The Water

There's a shark in the water
But I can't swim to shore
I keep swimming and swimming
But I can't find a cure
I can't sjake this feeling
I can't see the surface anymore
I'm just sinking down deeper and deeper
Till I cna't breathe no more
I'm fighting the current
I'm reaching for a hand
But it's pulling me deeper
And I don't understand
There's a shark in the water
And I can't see the shore
There's a shark in the water
Oh, I can't breathe anymore
Don't let it consume me
Just let water rush into me
I swim and swim till I can't swim no more
But this shark in the water has me swiming some more
There's a shark in the water
And I can't breathe anymore