Unknown

It's another one of those nights, I can't sleep, I can't stay still, and I hurt. I ache. I kinda just want to cry at this moment in time. I probably failed my christian bible midterm I took today, no biggie, that's how I feel everytime I take a test and then I do super awesome right? Wrong. I think that and then I actually do end up totaly failing it. Normally I'm really positive and I never let anything get to me, I blow it off and keep moving forword, but lately I'm pretty much the opposite. I don't know why and I don't know at what point I started being like this. I feel sad, and in my thoughts I think 'I'm defeated'. I've spent so much of my time and my life the past 3 years strugling, pushing through all the bad shit, keeping my head just far enough above the water to not drown.

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around in darkness trying to fight the light switch and I just keep stubmling around getting more and more lost. I think the only thing that keeps me grounded is my faith. I honestly don't know how I would still be here holding my head up high if I didn't believe in God. I listen to music when I write, and right now I'm listening to this song called Everything Falls by Free. It pretty much sums up everything in these lines, "when everything falls apart your arms hold me together, when everything falls apart you're the only hope for this heart, when everything falls apart and my strength is gone, I find you mighty and strong, you keep holding on, you keep holding on." If I had nothing to hold onto I would have fallen a long time ago, and every morning that I wake up I'm thankful that I'm still breathing, that I have another day to live my life to the best of my abilities.

Sometimes, which is almost all the time lately, I ache all the time, all over, and everything hurts, all the time, all over, no matter what I do. I try not to dwell on the fact that I still put up with this mystery illness, and the fact that I have no answers. But for as much pain as I'm in, I'm still breathing, I'm still walking, I'm still brushing my hair by myself, I'm still getting dressed and going to class, I'm still doing my homework, I'm still thinking clearly, because when I first got this mystery illness I couldn't do any of those things, and you never realize how much something means to you untill you lose it.

I'm tearing up as I'm wrting this, because I'm thinking so much right now. I don't do that a lot, this whole thinking about everything I've been through thing, because that's what happens, I cry. I've been going to a counselor the past two weeks, and I've talked about a lot of this stuff that I filed away in the back of my mind. When I talk about it, which is the entire time, I just want to cry. I don't know why, I don't know if it's relief, or happiness or sadness or whatever else it could be. I think it's because I don't talk about it, because I don't like crying on front of people. I'd much rather cry alone in my room curled up under my blankets with my bunny. No one really knows about it because I don't say anything, because I don't know where to start, and even when I do, they just look at me with eyes full of pitty or something like that and I hate it, because I feel like I'm weird. Funny how I'm the one that's sick but I'm the one that feels bad about it? Doesn't really sound right to me, but I don't know what else to say about that. When people ask me how I am I say I'm fine because if I really said what was going through my mind they wouldn't know what to say. I think another part of it is that I'm just a really private person, I don't want my business out there for everyone whos nosey to know. I don't know who reads my blog, but it's different because even when I see someone viewed it, I don't know who, or where they read it from, it's totaly unknown and that kind of unknown I can handle.

I really just want to sleep right now. I have a 9:20 am class, so sleep would be really helpfull right now. I start to close my eyes and fall asleep and then I get so sore in the position I'm sleeping in that I have to move and I start all over again and again untill eventually I'm so utterly and completly exhasuted my body just colapses. It's kind of like deja vu for me. This is how it was way back when alllll this started. I would lay on the couch with my mom and listen to the sound of the wind blowing that leaves around outside. She would keep the screen door open in the living room for me, and she stayed up with me untill I fell asleep. Most times I would only get a couple hours of sleep at a time, because my body just couldn't stay asleep for any longer than that.

I get scared when I feel like this, because I don't want to be back in that place ever again. My hands and fingers feel like they are on fire right now, and so so so incredibly achy. From the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes.

I want to be in my dreams, because dreams are always better than reality. Dreams are everything you wish your life was. I know when I have bad sleep because I don't remember my dreams. I can't remember them. It sucks because the times I can't remember them are the times I need them the most. I can't write anymore because it just hurts too much. I'll try and remember in the morning, my sweet dreams.

Too Much

I have so much to say, because I have so many thoughts running through my head, but I don't know where to start. I don't know what I want to say, or if I even want to say anything. Sometimes I think I want to say everything but there's just so much that the thought of even begining to say what's on my mind is an overwhelming thought. And because I think of it as an overwhelming thought, it becomes and overwhelming task. I'm now at the point where the thought of it being overwhelming is less of a big deal because there's just too many thoughts built up and there is no place else for them to go.

I thought high school would be better than juinor high and I was wrong. I thought college would be better than high school and I was wrong again. This past semester and this current semester has been like hell. All I wanted was to be normal and have normal college stuff happen, but yet again, because I haven't gone through enough, I can't have that either. I don't mean to sound like some kind of whining baby, but sometimes I feel like that. I'll be the first to admit that I complain about this a lot, and it's because it effects me so much.

Here's how I see everything. My perspective. I feel like I'm in this corner all by myself, I feel like I'm standing alone on the frontlines, with no one standing with me, no one to help me out. She has all these people advocating for her, her parents, the campus saftey, ths residence hall directors, all doing things for her, being concerned with what's good for her. And I'm over here with onlymyself as an advocate. I have no one looking out for me, no one is saying or asking what's best for me, nope, nothing for Marla. I'm alone.

I have spent all this time trying to do the right thing, get the probelms solved, help out as much as I can and I'm the one that is punished. I'm the one that gets nothing in return. I make tiny minor mistake and I get treated like omited a crime and broke the fucking law.  I personally think it's all bullshit and the way the university has handled all this is abolutly stupid and rediculos.

This is only a quarter of all the things on my mind, all the shit I'm dealing with. I'm so stressed, about everything, school, me, social life, you name it I'm stressin'. I have 8 weeks to go and I feel like it's just never going to end. I'm getting lost inmy thoughts again, and I don't know how to vocalize the rest of what I want to say.

Nervous

I want to sleep, but I can't. I'm so restless. I have all these nervouse butterflies in my stomach. I'm so exhausted and just can't sleep. It really doesn't matter how tired I am because in like 10 ish hours I'm gonna be so doped up on pain meds and anethesia that I'll be able to sleep for like 3 days straight. All I want is to be fixed, pain free, and able to be a normal flippin person. Cause as it is now I can't do like anything, and it's SO frusterating. I can't run, I can't go up stairs, I can't drive, I can't sleep, I can't shop, I can't even walk most times, at least not without being in pain and I'm really sick of it. I don't even know what else to say right now, I have so much going through my mind and I feel like my head is going to expload any minute.

Pickles

Pickles. I'm gonna cut straight to the point. I miss you. A lot. And I'm kind of at a loss for words that you're gone. I feel like I didn't even get to say goodbye. And now I never will. I didn't have you very long, but you meant so much and I loved you so much. I feel like everything has beed dying lately. Everything that means the most to me. Some people don't get it, because you guys are just animals, but it's such a big deal. You were part of my family. And now half of my family is gone. You're not alone wherever you are, you have Amber and Ginger to keep you company. Tell them I miss them a lot too, everyone does.  Lizzy is so lonely without you and Ginger. She's all by herself. I think she misses you a lot too. I hope you rest in piggie peace Pickles. Always in my heart and thoughts, never forgoten. I love you my little Gherkin♥

Some days, I break.

There never seems to be an in between, a grey, or a kinda sorta maybe. It's black and white. Yes or no. One or the other. I've been laying in my bed for a while now, trying to fall asleep. It's not that I'm not tired, I am tired, I'm so so exhausted. My body just doesn't like to let me sleep sometimes. Most days I'm okay, but some days I'm not. Most days I can keep my smile on my face, but some days I just can't help but to frown. Most days I feel good, even great, but some days, I just break. I'm not going to re explain all my issues, I've done that too many times, explained it all to too many doctors and friends and family memebers, and I'm so tired of doing that. But I can't sleep tonight, like most nights lately. I fall asleep, and then the pain wakes me up, again and again and again. Sometimes it's that dull deep pain, sometimes it's that shooting pinching pain, but most times it's that burning, achey, make you wanna scream kinda pain. Most times I can just ignor it, it's been there so long that sometimes I don't even notice it. 2 years of  dealing with it will do that to you. Sometimes, well, pretty much all the time actually, I find it really hard to tell people what's wrong, because I just don't know what to say to them when they ask me what's wrong or if I'm okay. And there's people that I should tell, and I'm constantly trying to find the right words, and the right time to, but I can never seem to spit it out. I'm afraid. I'm terrified. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm in pain. All day, everyday. I have no trouble spilling my guts on my blog, mostly because I don't think anyone really reads it, which is fine by me. I just break some days. I go on and on and on about stuff I can't actually speak out loud. I'm all over the place, just going on and on. I'm having surgery, again, on December 19th of this year. I'm really scared. I'm scared that everything is gonna go wrong. That I'm gonna get all kinds of complications like last time. I don't wanna deal with all the pain, again. I wanna be fixed. I wanna be painless, for once. I don't even know what to say anymore. Maybe I can sleep. I can hope at least. I just want to be at peace.

Untitled

drive away
drive away from everything I've ever known
take the train
watch me as I go

keep me safe
stay with me as I leave
please don't cry
this doesn't mean goodbye

take me away to Georgia
send me to L.A
leave me here in New York
just go and let me be

I just need to get away
from all these people
and this sad, sad place
that leaves stains upon my face

just drive away
from this place of misery
I'll board the train
watch me from far away

please keep me safe
be with me while I dream
don't cry
it won't ever mean goodbye

Everything

the way you say my name
the way you walk away
say hello but please don't go

keep breathing in and out
don't leave me here with all this doubt
please stay with me tonight

I need you here tonight
I need to know that you're alright
don't stray too far away
I can't see you when you're so far away

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you are
I can't sleep at night sometimes
but at least I know that you're alright

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were
when I have sleepless nights I just stare out into the night sky
but I can't see you when you're so far away

something is so wrong
it's so empty in there
it's too quiet in here
it's too quiet without you my dear

I didn't notice
didn't notice how much of me you had
my heart is missing you
forever will be

I need you here tonight
I know that you're alright
but you're so far away
and it just doesn't feel right

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you are
I can't sleep at night sometimes
but at least I know that you're alright

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were
when I have sleepless nights I just stare out into the night sky
but I can't see you when you're so far away 

be safe
be okay
stay sweet
stay so sincere

I'll keep you here
forever in my heart
but I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were