Nervous

I want to sleep, but I can't. I'm so restless. I have all these nervouse butterflies in my stomach. I'm so exhausted and just can't sleep. It really doesn't matter how tired I am because in like 10 ish hours I'm gonna be so doped up on pain meds and anethesia that I'll be able to sleep for like 3 days straight. All I want is to be fixed, pain free, and able to be a normal flippin person. Cause as it is now I can't do like anything, and it's SO frusterating. I can't run, I can't go up stairs, I can't drive, I can't sleep, I can't shop, I can't even walk most times, at least not without being in pain and I'm really sick of it. I don't even know what else to say right now, I have so much going through my mind and I feel like my head is going to expload any minute.

Pickles

Pickles. I'm gonna cut straight to the point. I miss you. A lot. And I'm kind of at a loss for words that you're gone. I feel like I didn't even get to say goodbye. And now I never will. I didn't have you very long, but you meant so much and I loved you so much. I feel like everything has beed dying lately. Everything that means the most to me. Some people don't get it, because you guys are just animals, but it's such a big deal. You were part of my family. And now half of my family is gone. You're not alone wherever you are, you have Amber and Ginger to keep you company. Tell them I miss them a lot too, everyone does.  Lizzy is so lonely without you and Ginger. She's all by herself. I think she misses you a lot too. I hope you rest in piggie peace Pickles. Always in my heart and thoughts, never forgoten. I love you my little Gherkin♥

Some days, I break.

There never seems to be an in between, a grey, or a kinda sorta maybe. It's black and white. Yes or no. One or the other. I've been laying in my bed for a while now, trying to fall asleep. It's not that I'm not tired, I am tired, I'm so so exhausted. My body just doesn't like to let me sleep sometimes. Most days I'm okay, but some days I'm not. Most days I can keep my smile on my face, but some days I just can't help but to frown. Most days I feel good, even great, but some days, I just break. I'm not going to re explain all my issues, I've done that too many times, explained it all to too many doctors and friends and family memebers, and I'm so tired of doing that. But I can't sleep tonight, like most nights lately. I fall asleep, and then the pain wakes me up, again and again and again. Sometimes it's that dull deep pain, sometimes it's that shooting pinching pain, but most times it's that burning, achey, make you wanna scream kinda pain. Most times I can just ignor it, it's been there so long that sometimes I don't even notice it. 2 years of  dealing with it will do that to you. Sometimes, well, pretty much all the time actually, I find it really hard to tell people what's wrong, because I just don't know what to say to them when they ask me what's wrong or if I'm okay. And there's people that I should tell, and I'm constantly trying to find the right words, and the right time to, but I can never seem to spit it out. I'm afraid. I'm terrified. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm in pain. All day, everyday. I have no trouble spilling my guts on my blog, mostly because I don't think anyone really reads it, which is fine by me. I just break some days. I go on and on and on about stuff I can't actually speak out loud. I'm all over the place, just going on and on. I'm having surgery, again, on December 19th of this year. I'm really scared. I'm scared that everything is gonna go wrong. That I'm gonna get all kinds of complications like last time. I don't wanna deal with all the pain, again. I wanna be fixed. I wanna be painless, for once. I don't even know what to say anymore. Maybe I can sleep. I can hope at least. I just want to be at peace.

Untitled

drive away
drive away from everything I've ever known
take the train
watch me as I go

keep me safe
stay with me as I leave
please don't cry
this doesn't mean goodbye

take me away to Georgia
send me to L.A
leave me here in New York
just go and let me be

I just need to get away
from all these people
and this sad, sad place
that leaves stains upon my face

just drive away
from this place of misery
I'll board the train
watch me from far away

please keep me safe
be with me while I dream
don't cry
it won't ever mean goodbye

Everything

the way you say my name
the way you walk away
say hello but please don't go

keep breathing in and out
don't leave me here with all this doubt
please stay with me tonight

I need you here tonight
I need to know that you're alright
don't stray too far away
I can't see you when you're so far away

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you are
I can't sleep at night sometimes
but at least I know that you're alright

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were
when I have sleepless nights I just stare out into the night sky
but I can't see you when you're so far away

something is so wrong
it's so empty in there
it's too quiet in here
it's too quiet without you my dear

I didn't notice
didn't notice how much of me you had
my heart is missing you
forever will be

I need you here tonight
I know that you're alright
but you're so far away
and it just doesn't feel right

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you are
I can't sleep at night sometimes
but at least I know that you're alright

I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were
when I have sleepless nights I just stare out into the night sky
but I can't see you when you're so far away 

be safe
be okay
stay sweet
stay so sincere

I'll keep you here
forever in my heart
but I miss everything
I miss everything about everything you were

Ginger

I knew the day would come where I would have to let you go, to be in a better place. I just didn't expect to have to let you go so soon and suddenly. You weren't just a guinea pig, and I know that to some people it's weird and stupid, or whatever other thoughts run through their minds, but I don't see it that way. When I was all alone and everyone left me and forgot about me, you sat with me all day, and never left my side. You made me feel happy when it seemed like all I could be was sad. You had no expectations except lettuce. You loved and trusted me with only the purest kind there is. I rescued you and in a way you rescued me too. I remember the day I brought you home, April 30th 2010. I don't know how I would have gotten through all those months after my surgery and rehab without your little face to greet me and comfort me everyday. I love all of my guinea pigs so much I can't explain it, but me and you always had a special bond that I've never had with any animal and I don't think I ever will again. I miss you every day and every night. You will always be a thought in the back of my mind. I will love you forever and ever, never forgoten and always missed. You have a friend up there, wherever you may be, keep Amber company and get along. My baby Ginger piggie, may your wonderfull sweet little soul rest in peace♥

Drown

walking out the door
hoping you had more
all you have inside
is a fire behing your eyes
burns both day and night
screams and shouts
that flame will never burn out
pounding from within
out of the  head
never wanted to let you in
speak thoughts out loud
hear whispers with no sound
let the rain fall
don't let me down
save me as I drown
memories rush into your mind
yeah they get me all the time
did you hear me when I said it out loud
can you see me when I don't make a sound
would you ever let me drown
please don't let me drown